it may seem a little ironic that i am posting about friendships when in fact i have in fact erected a two month fence between myself and anybody outside of my immediate family and boyfriend.
but think on it for another few seconds and it becomes so obvious that the importance of friendships, like all things, becomes clearer once you step back.
it's like the idiom "you can't see the wood (forest) for the trees".
it is also one reason some people give when they recommend not moving in with a significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage. but that's another topic for another day.
in school and university, and maybe even to some extent at work, friendships are largely a matter of circumstance. i've said this before on many occasions. some of my friends even remember me telling them in second year of university that we probably wouldn't remain friends after graduation. i'll admit that's not exactly the best way to establish a friendship, even if i was trying to express my theory.
but here's the situation now. i haven't seen any of my friends for nearly two months. my exams are in a couple of weeks' time, and then after that i have a (short) list of friends that i have promised to catch up with. "catching up", in this case, is an intentional act. it is born of the mutual appreciation between two or more people for each other's company.
and here's another thing- you would expect the short list of post-graduation intentional friendships to be a subset of your university friends. but it isn't, or at least mine isn't. it is an eclectic mix of individuals with whom i have formed deeper connections. whether or not we met in high school, at a conference, on an internet forum, or at university. we could have met only a few times, or gone on multiple holidays together. there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason, except that we made the mutual effort to keep in touch.
that's all very nice, but what about the rest of the university friendship group? my university days were by far the most social years of my life. hardly a day went by when i didn't bump into someone i knew, be it in the library or the rare occasion I'm buying groceries. i think these are a few of the commoner reasons:
1. You don't have enough time
let's face it, there's a lot less free time in the post-graduation world. especially if you work well and truly over 40 hours a week and many of these hours include working on the weekend. and then life takes over, and in addition to work, you have to cook, take your car to the mechanic, schedule appointments with your accountant and financial advisor... that's all before kids come into the picture.
so we get it- we're all too busy. and there is not enough time in the world to have meaningful relationships with all 800 of your Facebook friends. but perhaps a subset of friendships that have fallen prey to this group actually falls under the next topic - you didn't care enough.
2. You don't care enough
the difference between friendships of circumstance and intentional friendships is that the latter comes with an opportunity cost. you don't catch up just because you're actually doing a group assignment, or have coffee while planning the year group video. you were at home, in between washing the dishes and hanging the laundry out to dry, and you're madly dashing to some hip new cafe with no parking bays because you want to connect with someone you care about. and for those whom you don't care enough about... well you can still like them, but not catching up you have simply decided that they aren't worth the opportunity cost.
3. They were toxic friendships
another example of not seeing the wood for the trees. looking back now, i can see that there are more than a few examples where i was not the best friend that i could be. and i can see the same of other people, even those to whom i spent the majority of six years confiding my deepest insecurities. it hurts to let go, but sometimes that's what's best for everyone.
one thing that i am ashamed of is not defending others enough. there were many occasions when person A would complain about person B behind their back. i have seen or been involved in all of the following:
- listening to person A and keeping my own thoughts on the matter private
- agreeing with person A
- remaining silent and then telling person B that person A doesn't like them
- telling persons C, D, E about person B's flaws
what about option E, telling person A that I know person B is having a hard time and didn't mean to hurt them. encouraging person A to forgive person B.
It seems to me that option E would be the most Christian response, yet I can only think of very limited situations where this has occurred. More often we just get caught up in wanting to know exactly what person B did that was so dodgy so that we can join person A in judging them (and perhaps thus feel better about ourselves).
4. Drifted apart
i don't know about this one. it's a funny topic- can you really drift apart if you value someone that much? sure, musical tastes and hobbies can change over time. but if you valued someone, would that not make you want to learn more about them, their thoughts, their preferences?
but think on it for another few seconds and it becomes so obvious that the importance of friendships, like all things, becomes clearer once you step back.
it's like the idiom "you can't see the wood (forest) for the trees".
it is also one reason some people give when they recommend not moving in with a significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage. but that's another topic for another day.
in school and university, and maybe even to some extent at work, friendships are largely a matter of circumstance. i've said this before on many occasions. some of my friends even remember me telling them in second year of university that we probably wouldn't remain friends after graduation. i'll admit that's not exactly the best way to establish a friendship, even if i was trying to express my theory.
but here's the situation now. i haven't seen any of my friends for nearly two months. my exams are in a couple of weeks' time, and then after that i have a (short) list of friends that i have promised to catch up with. "catching up", in this case, is an intentional act. it is born of the mutual appreciation between two or more people for each other's company.
and here's another thing- you would expect the short list of post-graduation intentional friendships to be a subset of your university friends. but it isn't, or at least mine isn't. it is an eclectic mix of individuals with whom i have formed deeper connections. whether or not we met in high school, at a conference, on an internet forum, or at university. we could have met only a few times, or gone on multiple holidays together. there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason, except that we made the mutual effort to keep in touch.
that's all very nice, but what about the rest of the university friendship group? my university days were by far the most social years of my life. hardly a day went by when i didn't bump into someone i knew, be it in the library or the rare occasion I'm buying groceries. i think these are a few of the commoner reasons:
1. You don't have enough time
let's face it, there's a lot less free time in the post-graduation world. especially if you work well and truly over 40 hours a week and many of these hours include working on the weekend. and then life takes over, and in addition to work, you have to cook, take your car to the mechanic, schedule appointments with your accountant and financial advisor... that's all before kids come into the picture.
so we get it- we're all too busy. and there is not enough time in the world to have meaningful relationships with all 800 of your Facebook friends. but perhaps a subset of friendships that have fallen prey to this group actually falls under the next topic - you didn't care enough.
2. You don't care enough
the difference between friendships of circumstance and intentional friendships is that the latter comes with an opportunity cost. you don't catch up just because you're actually doing a group assignment, or have coffee while planning the year group video. you were at home, in between washing the dishes and hanging the laundry out to dry, and you're madly dashing to some hip new cafe with no parking bays because you want to connect with someone you care about. and for those whom you don't care enough about... well you can still like them, but not catching up you have simply decided that they aren't worth the opportunity cost.
3. They were toxic friendships
another example of not seeing the wood for the trees. looking back now, i can see that there are more than a few examples where i was not the best friend that i could be. and i can see the same of other people, even those to whom i spent the majority of six years confiding my deepest insecurities. it hurts to let go, but sometimes that's what's best for everyone.
one thing that i am ashamed of is not defending others enough. there were many occasions when person A would complain about person B behind their back. i have seen or been involved in all of the following:
- listening to person A and keeping my own thoughts on the matter private
- agreeing with person A
- remaining silent and then telling person B that person A doesn't like them
- telling persons C, D, E about person B's flaws
what about option E, telling person A that I know person B is having a hard time and didn't mean to hurt them. encouraging person A to forgive person B.
It seems to me that option E would be the most Christian response, yet I can only think of very limited situations where this has occurred. More often we just get caught up in wanting to know exactly what person B did that was so dodgy so that we can join person A in judging them (and perhaps thus feel better about ourselves).
4. Drifted apart
i don't know about this one. it's a funny topic- can you really drift apart if you value someone that much? sure, musical tastes and hobbies can change over time. but if you valued someone, would that not make you want to learn more about them, their thoughts, their preferences?
