do what you love

as a first year trainee, I have received a lot of advice- all of it from people more senior (and probably wiser) than me.

a lot of it is conflicting- i should be doing more/less procedural work. i should have started studying in july last year vs i should take a break or i'll burn out. i should/shouldn't be reporting on my early shifts.
nb this seems to contribute to the myriad reasons why i am educated so frequently..

and as in every job, there are people you enjoy working with more than others. the bosses who teach constructively rather than critically, are clear (and gentle!) in their explanations, and confident enough to let you make mistakes as you learn.
on top of that, there are a few bosses who stand out further from the crowd. in my workplace, these bosses are filled with joy often the most competent and caring as well. it makes me wonder which came first, the joy or the competency.

a couple of weeks ago, one such boss asked me what i do for a hobby. i have always loved reading and writing. during my emotionally labile teenage years, playing the piano was another outlet for me. i love playing board games as much as the kids next door. heck, i'd probably enjoy baking too if anybody would be willing to consume my creations.

but apart from occasionally blogging, i haven't done any of the above for a long time. in fact, since year 11, i have always put everything enjoyable on the back burner after my studies.

i am ten years older now, and i know that life doesn't wait for you. studying has consumed the past decade of my life. i have achieved almost everything i had hoped to when i was in year 11. i thought that if i achieved this grade or accepted that job, i would feel accomplished and content- but yet here i am, still studying, and putting off friendships and life with the hope of passing exams and keeping my coveted job.

somewhere within the last decade I managed to lose my ability to wake up, smile at the sunshine, and give praise to God for my perfect life. and i think part of the reason is that this particular consultant was right, that you do need to keep doing the things you love, and love the things that you do.

so in an attempt to encourage more positive thinking, here are five happy thoughts for me today:
1. I believe there is a God who has triumphed over sin and death and whose grace is sufficient for my life. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
2. I have an amazing boyfriend.
3. My parents and immediate family are all healthy and happy.
4. Today is church day! I love going to church.
5. I am going to spend a good deal of today studying which is going to make me feel productive and more optimistic about passing this exam!!!

as my favourite author puts it: "I have learned that happiness is like the sun. It must be enjoyed when it comes and while it shines." (Ashling, Isobelle Carmody)

first compliment

since starting work in my dream job, life has gone downhill. things aren't as rosy as i had imagined, and i am nowhere near as competent as i would like to be - or is as expected of me. i am educated/scolded on a daily basis, sometimes not in the kindest of ways. sometimes this gets to me- i have been waking up quite frequently with nightmares.

today, i was floored when i received a compliment from the most unlikely source. i am naturally quite self-critical, and usually i just bat compliments away and choose to dwell on the criticisms. but i think   i have become conditioned to expect the onslaught of criticism, so any change is like a sea breeze. i am going to savour the moment. who knows when the next compliment will be.

whatever it is, whether i make it through this training or not, i know that God has a plan for me.

i woke up this morning in a panic.

first i panicked about studying for exams.
then i panicked about being in my twenties and having my former relationships and friendships shift in ways beyond my control.
then finally, my thoughts changed to things that really mattered and i thought about my salvation.

all of these thoughts flitted by in rapid succession. of the three, the last thought was probably the most worthwhile.

panicking too much doesn't benefit memory retention. worrying about things beyond your control is a waste of time. but being aware of your own sinful nature is important. because until we realise how absolutely filthy we are, we don't understand the full measure of grace.

and so what started out as an alarming sunday morning has turned into a wonderful reminder to place my trust in God. it's very well expressed in this beautiful song: Cornerstone, by Hillsong.