i'm back in singapore!

i am grateful for:
- hot water
- clean water
- electricity
- air conditioners
- washing machines
- sleep

had an amazing trip to the philippines. how am i suppose to summarise three weeks into one blog post? i guess i won't even bother. but if given the choice, i'd definitely do it all over again.

since then, i've been catching up with friends and family. and when i'm not busy doing that, i've been catching up on sleep :)

three weeks in palawan

i'll be leaving for changi airport in ~two hours. i'll be flying off to spend three weeks in the philippines for the first half of my elective, which i will undertake with seven other classmates from UWA.

the program we chose is the Agape Health Program. the question everybody asks is why the philippines? well, it fit our criteria of being 1) a developing nation, 2) a christian elective, and 3) reasonably safe. plus there was a bonus recommendation by a previous UWA student.

i won't be bringing my laptop because we'll be spending most of our time in rural conditions.

aerobics

fact number 1: i am in singapore
fact number 2: i am staying at my aunt's
fact number 3: today is wednesday

facts 1+2+3= i had to go to aerobics class with my aunt (and 15 other housewives) this morning.

aerobics pretty much equals 1.5 hours of humiliation. during this time i really missed my little sister, because if she were doing it with me, we could at least share the mirth. what i did instead was to select a spot at the very back of the room, and attempt to remain discreet.

shortly after this, the instructor started calling out in English. "Move your hips!", "shake like this!" and so on. the primary language of instruction is Chinese, so her use of English meant that she was referring to the aerobics noob at the back, ie me.

she then decided that i needed extra instruction, and insisted that i stand closer to the front of the room. so much for discretion. from my new vantage point, i spotted a young girl sitting down while she waited for her mother to finish. how come i wasn't allowed to sit out?

we had an extended period of the jelly hips today, which was quite painful. the instructor could give shakira a run for her money. i, on the other hand, more closely resemble the tin man from the wizard of oz. she kept making me put my hands on her iliac crest to "learn" how to shake my hips, and at one point decided that i wasn't getting the picture and perhaps i should put my hands on glut max instead.

i am so traumatised. never again. (i said that last time, didn't i?)

horseriding and packing

the highlight of my fortnight of anticipation thus far would have to be thursday. i went horseriding with a group of girlfriends, followed by mundaring pizza. the pizza was good, but i'd say not worth the drive (mundaring is very east). in any case, we don't usually organise girls only events, so it was a very pleasant experience for us all.

i got to ride zara, the slowest horse in the entire group. she just trodded along the entire trail ride. to pass the time, my mind drifted off into a number of alternate scenarios: me as a rider in Lord of the Rings, and then as one of those policemen who patrol the city on horseback.

i started packing for my upcoming trip to singapore/the philippines/england this morning, starting with the UK segment.

so after months of assuring my friends that i am an experienced traveler and capable of packing light, it turns out that i was wrong.

clothing pile thus far for my trip to England

the mere sight of it makes me nervous. i still have to pack for the other destinations, including mosquito net, sleeping bag, and LINCS stuff.

mum says that the flights to singapore are very full, so i may have to leave Australia earlier than i'd like to. most likely tuesday, so i really have to get on with the packing.

i think i need a bigger suitcase.

a fortnight of "freedom"

i have been thoroughly enjoying my post-exam habit of decluttering my desk and laptop. there's the mundane task of filing notes and lectures away, and the very therapeutic effect of chucking out past exam papers and other scrap.

mum's alternative use for some of my unwanted paper waste

i don't think i can talk about the details of the OSCE without feeling sick. basically, it is a clinical examination held in the outpatient clinic of one of the teaching hospitals. we get 16 + 1 (rest) stations of seven minutes' duration, and are rotated through each station by a series of whistles- one to enter, one for time's up.

over the next two weeks our marks will be discussed by the examiners, and those of us who fail will get a phonecall/email on the 1st of december. that gives us roughly two weeks to perform repeated analyses on our performance and the likelihood of remediating. which sort of makes it difficult to enjoy post-examination liberation.

i'm trying very hard to move on (read: avoiding OSCE-dissecting post-exam "social"- ha, more like academic- gatherings). because of the way my elective has been organised, i have to leave for singapore before the 1st of december. i'm almost psychologically ready to purchase a flight ticket.

as for the final instalment of the UK visa saga, it has been approved! thank you to those of you who listened to, complained with, or prayed for me.

life on hold!

stopped taking roaccutane today. i'm a little bit nervous about whether my acne will recur or not, but i can't take the pills (as wonderful as they are) forever.

also, had terrible concentration during the weekend. i was finding all sorts of ways to procrastinate, eg playing the piano, looking up bilingual children's books and fantasizing about being able to speak chinese. at one point i even fantasized about learning french.

maybe it was because i was forcing myself to do GP study, and now i can look forward to doing some serious Obsgyn & Paeds study before my first exam on friday.

an update on the visa front- my application has arrived in canberra. my heart nearly stopped when i saw the email from CANCGVisaInfo letting me know that processing had begun. for a moment i had to pause, and remind myself of the one in whom i trust.

life resumes next friday, the 19th of november. but not until after my OSCE, which is scheduled for the afternoon. more on that later, perhaps.

TEE revisited

this year's exams are a little bit like the TEE. as a fresher (year 7) you start hearing some ominous things, but shut it out to worry about later. by the time you get to fourth year (year 11) there is massive foreshadowing of the fifth year exams (TEE). and when you're in fifth year you spend all year studying/intermittently revising for the exams because you realise that at this stage all-nighters (even several in a row, if you're resilient enough) just won't cut it.

this is not just the Upper Years trying to scare us- everyone in the hospitals is trying to impress upon us the magnitude of these exams. you'll often hear something like this: "you have your BIG osce this year, right? Mm... i remember that..."

still, i doubt anything can ever meet the intensity of year 12.

my biggest concern at the moment is probably ophthal.
it's the one subject i never learned properly, and my first rotation of the year (ie in the shadowy corners of Memory).

and i have further reason for concern- we had an ophthalmology exam in term 1, and laid out on one of the question pages were three pictures of a fundus. the task was for us to write down the cup:disc ratio in each. easy, right? no.

i cannot interpret those images, they just all look pretty much the same to me. hyperaemia? new vessel proliferation? swollen optic disc? silver wiring? uhh yeh actually... no. nope. can't see it. so i just made up three ratios and surprise surprise- they were ALL WRONG. i actually got a whopping 0/3 for that page.

this morning i looked at some of the ophthal notes that my classmates have been studying from.
31 page+ 6 page+8 page documents, it's feasible. as long as i'm not asked to interpret any images.

also, i received the outcome of my UK visa application: rejected. i was quite crushed- the whole process of applying is quite arduous and expensive, and to top it off i have exams in two weeks. still, i am choosing to trust that everything will work out fine.

i shall stick E's messenger status here, because it has been encouraging me: "If things go wrong it'll be alright- cos someone greater is watching over me".

on feminism and relationships

i recently bumped into a friend who has this firm belief that i am a feminist. i remember once trying to assure him that i have great appreciation for my undergarments, but he obviously wasn't convinced. the truth is, i once looked up what it meant to be a feminist. and according to our favourite online encyclopaedia, i actually am! a liberal feminist, to be precise.

one thing i really believe in is equal pay for equal work. if a woman does the same job as a man does, ceteris paribus, then she should get the same salary.

what i don't believe is that women should be paid the same as men regardless. ie if sportswomen want the same pay as their male counterparts, they should rival their (the men's) performance. so if a female tennis player can hit a ball as fast as a male tennis player can, then sure, ask for equal pay. but if not, then just as women protest against being discriminated against, so should we protest against receiving preferential treatment in the workplace.

and of course, there is the other domain where feminism has really made an impact: relationships. and what started me writing this post in the first place was that i was finding yet another way to procrastinate by reading this article. i've deliberately linked the third page because of how beautifully Ms. Stranger phrases the conundrum (paragraph three).

if i recall the invigorating speeches made during Assembly periods in my school, the vast majority of them were about being great leaders, women of the future, etc. women nowadays are earning more money than their male counterparts. at least, some female undergraduates in America are. so do we still expect our meals paid for, or do we go dutch?

or should we just do what the guest speaker for my Yr 12 Valedictory service suggested, and marry down?

the unintentional countdown

only three more weeks of paeds, then exams.

it really is starting to dawn on me how close graduation is. since 4th year, patients have been saying "not long to go now", but every year before now has gone by soooo slowly that i never really allow myself to imagine being an intern. 5th year really has flown by- and it is only now that i have begun to feel tired.

some of that has probably got to do with my waking at 0530 hours every morning for the past week. i thought it was just my usual sensitivity to the light, it being nearly summer and all. but when i looked at my watch this morning and saw that it was 0450 hours, i decided it had gone too far and refused to budge until 0630 hours. when i tell them, my fellow (reasonably)-soon-to-be-interns classmates can't make up their minds about whether i am anxious or depressed. perhaps both?

also had a very eventful day in hospital and i am exhausted now. my consultant arrived and decided to do a ward round shortly after the wednesday morning teaching session. the rmo (resident medical officer) was off putting a cannula in somebody, so i took the files and volunteered to scribe. there i was, clutching the files to my chest awkwardly, when the consultant turned to me and asked how i was doing, and if i was her new rmo! i was like er, no, i am your student (and have been for the past week that you've been on call). i don't know how it is that some consultants can see your face in all the meetings but never take any notice until you are introduced. it's quite a common occurrence, too.

once we were introduced it was fine. i sat in with her during endocrinology clinic and she was quite happy to discuss our patients. in fact i accidentally cut her off during an explanation about a certain rare medical condition.
consultant: yes so in that boy we had to blah-blah-blah because blah-blah-blah.
*pause*
me: okay thank you so much! ... *picks up bag, file, stethoscope*
consultant: in [insert condition name], the patient will often have [insert associated symptoms]...
me: ohh mm uh-huh *crap! did i just interrupt the consultant?*

remember that post on CTEC? well, the day came sooner than expected. i left clinic in a hurry so that i could attend the WAMSS suture workshop from 5-7pm. 14 students showed up, myself included, which was a little disappointing considering there were enough spots for 50 students. it was taken by two plastic surgeons, and definitely not a waste of time.

in terms of other news, lodged UK visa application today. fingers crossed.

off to do some PICOs and evidence based medicine for my THIRD case report (out of 4).

it has begun

so i was sitting here, innocently listening to some Scott Darlow when my mother approached me with a suspiciously large envelope...

...containing radiographs of my brother's OPG. my reflex reaction was "mum, i'm not a dentist". of course, hers was "i know, i know, but will you just take a look at this anyway"

the other day, kaixing also had a right-sided facial swelling. we took her to the vet and it turns out that she also has wisdom teeth, plus abscess formation! he gave her antibiotics, and i had a peek at the generic drug names. would you believe it- amoxycillin + augmentin, which is precisely what i'd suggested to my brother :P

so there you go- paediatric endocrinology by day, and moonlighting as a dentist/vet.

paeds endocrinology is going fabulously. i love, love, love my entire team. even so, i doubt i'll specialise in this area. CAH and Pituitary disorders are interesting, but all of that insulin adjusting would drive me nuts.

life's like a box of mooncakes

number one food i miss about Singapore would have to be mooncake. specifically the double egg yolk traditional-style mooncake. unfortunately, i doubt i could impress upon the quarantine authorities the severity of my cravings every october.

i haven't gone back to Singapore for the mid-autumn festival for at least 10 years. in that time i've become much less picky.

recently, mum brought back a box of mooncakes (no egg- i don't know why but i'm always hoping). they're multicoloured, and a random assortment of flavours. i chose a light spearmint-coloured one.

bit into it.

found lots of chunky bits of carrot.

veggie-flavoured mooncake??! who would do such a thing! -_-

reading is my escape

i still remember the excitement of doing the occasional night shifts. right now, i am rostered with one of the emergency teams and there is nothing at all exciting (or natural) about arriving for the start of your shift at 10pm. i am not sure which is the culprit- the compulsory attendance , having further commitments in the morning, or their regularity.

on the other hand, i have just finished a most excellent book- Volume 1 of The astonishing life of Octavian Nothing, by M.T. Anderson.

intelligent, thought provoking, and quite beautifully written.

{an excerpt from when Octavian is being punished}

I waited, my arms outstretched at either side, until he turned again, and began to stack them, volume after volume, on my hands.
"When I was a boy," said he, "this was my punishment. Standing with Milton weighing upon one hand and Shakespeare the other. But you... you shall be encumbered with your own past, hm?"
My hands bobbed beneath the weight.
"Drop one," he said, "and you shall be caned." He stepped into the experimental chamber and shouter for Bono.
Turning back to me, he said, "Here, my boy, was the miraculous aspect of this little torture, as I found. When twenty minutes had passed, and I was permitted to set down the volumes, or they were taken from my hands- when I was relieved of the weight of the books- I marked that as I dropped my empty arms, they rose again of their own accord..... They drifted upwards. They felt as light as air. I could not keep them down. 'Twas an ecstatic sensation.... My arms yearned for the stance of punishment; and when they lifted thus, I could have been flying. This, you must understand, Octavian, is the true and sublime end of discipline: that you may rise into a new and glorious buoyancy."

-- MT Anderson, The astonishing life of Octavian Nothing: Volume 1 The pox party (p.50)

why worry

"worrying is putting faith in the world, not in God."- anonymous (actually, I've just forgotten)

recently, i have been quite occupied with worrying. about:
- my studies, specifically EXAMs
- a presentation i was meant to give at grand rounds
- all the other stuff i have to do: visa, vaccinations, birthdays, assessments
- worrying

the last one may seem strange, but my bible study group is starting a video series by Andy Stanley, called "why worry". and i know that i have been worrying, and that it shows that i am lacking in faith, and that i should really stop worrying. which is why i'm worrying about the fact that i've been so busy worrying. (so much that i considered not showing up for bible study.)

i will take point number #2 as an example. three weeks ago, i was worrying about an evidence based medicine (EBM) group presentation, which is our obs&gynae assessments. simon and i were sick with sore throats, and i remember asking my cell group to pray for our health.

it turned out that we did so well for our presentation that we were called back to present at the hospital's grand rounds. this led to another 3 weeks of stressing, because this time we'd have to present in front of a lot more people, the vast majority of whom were infinitely more knowledgeable than us.

but really, i needn't have spent the past three weeks rehearsing my part while half asleep in bed, because i received an email this morning saying that there were no available time slots, and that we no longer have to present. i can't believe i spent the past 3 weeks worrying, and we don't have to present after all!!!

this morning when i opened my closet, i was greeted with various shades of grey/black. ugh- what a sight for a lovely spring day! it made me think of Matthew 6:28-29:
"And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.
And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." (KJV)

paeds day 1

i started my emergency paeds rotation yesterday. it was a 3pm-midnight shift, and i've been a bit anxious about this because i'm quite awkward around kids. unfortunately, kids know when people are uncomfortable- you just can't fool them.

ED was so busy! i had no idea who all my team members were, and also very little idea of how to do specific Paediatric history+examination. in fact, my paediatric textbook hadn't arrived in the mail yet, so i was using this book i borrowed from the library called "Paediatric Secrets". i think the idea is that there is a pool of questions that students are frequently asked. i'd gone to my shift armed only with 282 "secrets".

the other student also had no idea what we were supposed to do. she said that her plan was to stand around until somebody noticed and assigned us a task. i was more cynical, and my brilliant idea was to tag along with a registrar and just observe for awhile.

that's what i did, until the consultant spotted me and said that he needed all of the doctors to be working very hard, because ED was so busy. and so would i be comfortable seeing patients on my own?

of course i said yes.

for the next couple of hours, he would assign me a patient, i'd clerk and examine them, and then i'd present to him. by 1930hrs, i'd seen 7 patients, and i asked for a dinner break. i didn't really want to eat alone, so i drove home... and the rest is history. i felt acutely grateful for the comforts of home- a chair, food, time, the option of panadol for my budding headache. in fact, i was so comfortable that i couldn't bring myself to go back to hospital.

paeds day 1- epic fail.

13/9/10 update: in fact my registrar did note my absence. our conversation the following day-
M: you told me you were supposed to stay until 12 yesterday, but you left after dinner?
O: oh yeah! yeah M you know i really wanted to... but i was just too tired!
RMO (passing by): *conspicuous laughter*

city to surf 2010

On Sunday, I joined thousands of other West Australians for the annual City to Surf run. Why? I'd like to say I did it because it was for charity, but in reality I just wanted to know if I could.

I began my 9-week pursuit of self-discovery with a 5k run. By the weekend of C2S, I had only managed to increase that to 7.5km. I just had to hope that I had that extra 4.5k in me somewhere!

First they came...

First they came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up,because I wasn't a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up, because I wasn't a Jew.
Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.

- Pastor Martin Niemöller, "First they came..."

week 10 of O&G

on tuesday, something dreadful nearly happened. i was having dimsum with six of my classmates, and i suddenly wanted to know if somebody had posted something on my facebook wall. seeing simon's iphone4 (seriously though, why would you need an iphone4 if you have an iphone3 already?), i mentioned my curiosity to him. he began to load up facebook on his iphone.

stop.

here we were, sitting at a table with friends, and we were about to tune out of our immediate surroundings in order to enter the world of virtual communication. we were going to eschew human companionship for a touchscreen.

does that not seem very, very wrong? i realised this and stopped him in time. we returned to enjoy the immediate company of our companions. what a close call.

also, my group did our evidence based medicine presentation yesterday. we ended up getting some very good feedback and our first job offers (as doctors).

thank you God, for reminding me to sometimes step out of my usual social circles.

thank you God, for showing me what can come out of love.

finally, i have been addicted to this song all week. it is such a wonderful celebration of God's love. the mushy final fantasy video is definitely an added bonus!

sorry sir, your tea is on the table over there

so after some very long shifts (read: lots of half-hourly obs, pad changes, making tea and coffee for family members...) and just as many NELUSCS*, I finally got to see for myself the proverbial low-risk multiparous woman's delivery.

it was like this: i was returning from the pantry and trying to figure out how to balance my tray on one knee while shifting enough of my body weight onto the door to open it. (it's tricky when it's 0530hrs and you're half asleep). when i finally succeeded, the midwife looked up from a rather large pool of amniotic fluid and said, 'i think you should put a pair of gloves on'. so i hurriedly put down the tray, grabbed the delivery trolley and some sterile gloves, removed my stethoscope from around my neck and placed it on the table (it promptly fell into the dustbin), and had my hands ready.

earlier last night (~0100hrs) i'd scrubbed in for a CS complicated by uterine rupture. so all in all, it was a very interesting night.

now i feel like my O&G rotation is complete, and i can move on. which is just as well, since there's only 1.5 weeks of it left.

random MSN conversation
陈佩珊 says:
i enjoyed O&G
it was fun
dont love it like i loved surg tho
James says:
you like it, but you dont love it
in a way
you might say
that you've friendzoned it

*non-elective lower uterine segment caesaerean section

thoughts for a time capsule

For some reason, everybody keeps reminding me that graduation is sooner than I think. Well I still have ages to go, but I guess their point is that I ought to be preparing for internship. Maybe study harder, start thinking like an intern, practice putting in thousands of cannulas..?

When I was in junior and middle school, we used to write letters addressed to our future selves. The teachers would then keep them and return them to us at a later, designated date. It was always interesting reading about the goals that our younger selves had made, and to see whether we'd accomplished them or not. Plus, those letters always came as a surprise because we'd forgotten we'd ever written the letters. If I were to really think about the future, here are some things that I hope I will remember:

- Compassion; that the same patients who are unbelievably rude, demanding, and selfish, may also be feeling frustrated, helpless, confused, and hurt
- When I knew absolutely nothing, strangers took the time to talk to me about life, to teach me about disease, to put a needle holder and forceps in my hands
- God is the big picture. As Joe said to me, "that's why, God must be in the training"
- The encouragement and value of a well meant compliment
- That if I remember a patient's white cell count, I should remember their name
- To cherish those relationships with friends and family; to always make time

Finally, who work in O&G seem to be very wise. Perhaps it's because they see so much of "Birth, copulation, and death" (T.S. Eliot). Here are some of my favourite quotations from lecturers this term:

"Never lose your humility. Once you lose your humility, you become a danger to yourself, and to others around you." -JN

"Always be pragmatic in life. Just think about where you want to be, not where you are." -IH

"I can't teach you compassion, but I expect you to find it for yourselves." -BJ

jogging milestone

today, my brother and i jogged along the foreshore from my house to matilda bay! we went quite slowly, but i did have only four hours' sleep this morning. last night was the first (and hopefully, the worst) night shift of my life.

i'm not good enough to bring a camera along, but i wish i could somehow share how beautiful the view is. i'd thought myself quite familiar with the view of perth from the foreshore, but it's different again at night. maybe one day i'll try to express it. and do you know, i think these night jogs are the only time i've really paid attention to the cyclical phases of the moon. i mean, i've always known, but i've never needed to see for myself.

real life

i had the entire day off today, but i went in to hospital anyway. it's because i'm participating in this laparoscopic study, where the authors are trying to assess students' ability to learn surgical skills from a laparoscopic box trainer.

so there i was, doing my daily 'practice', when one of the anaesthetists came up behind me and asked me what i was doing. i explained, and he watched. after a while, he said 'this arm doesn't look very clever, it looks like it's doing *this*'. he then proceeded to demonstrate some spastic motions.

how depressing. if i were the protagonist in one of my fantasy books, (drizzt do'urden or sonea) i'd have displayed exceptional natural digital dexterity. a crowd of surgeons would have gathered behind me. i'd be offered direct entry into the college of surgeons because my laparoscopic skills were simply too dangerous to be unleashed onto the community without proper training.

but i am no protagonist, and this is real life.

i love green tea

when i was a little girl, dad used to bring back presents from his overseas trips. little things, like hair clips and handkerchiefs.

my siblings recently went for a holiday a in Tokyo. i couldn't join them because i had to be at hospital, but i watched them unload their bags in a way that was reminiscent of my younger self.

they didn't disappoint.

my stash of green tea biscuits

candice couldn't find me the green tea biscuits that i'd requested. instead, she brought back a sample of every green tea biscuit she came across. ocha kitkats included!

a very tired but happy me :)

the waiting game

summary of delivery shift #1
lots of standing around and pacing out, punctuated by excessively frequent obs to amuse myself. it turns out i didn't really need to practice so much in first year, my job description is all about being your friendly sphygmomanometer.

negative: recent induction of labour + nulliparous = one very long delivery shift.

positive: i ended up scrubbing in for the c-section (which was one of my personal goals for this rotation). and, uh, felt somebody's uterus. not that i've ever really wanted to.

i watched the surgeon as she slumped in a chair, waiting for the patient to arrive. i know she has no children; i've overheard her saying that she had no time for kids. for a moment i thought to myself: it's a saturday night, what are we all doing here? do i want to end up like this one day? i have a family to go home to now, but will it be an empty apartment that awaits me in ten years?
then the patient arrived, the senior reg arrived, the midwife told me to scrub in, i was handed a retractor, and all traitorous thoughts vanished.

i'm not really sure how i feel about O&G at this stage, but one thing is for sure- it is different. the two things which stand out the most are the fascinating conversations, and the suits.

so far i've had a number of interesting discussions with my consultants. one of them asked me in classic british* style, "...so why is it that reproduction is so inefficient in humans?", you can imagine where that conversation led. then there was that extended series of discussions on alternative career pathways.
it's nice that everybody is so friendly and approachable. it makes it easier when i have to present long cases at the weekly team meetings, especially since there were five (i kid you not) consultants present last week.

the second thing is the power dressing. my intern told me that we had to dress up for clinic, and just as i began to conjure images of long-sleeved collared shirts from G2000, she proceeded to elaborate: "wear a suit if you've got one... put on some heels". i couldn't believe she'd just contradicted the med student dress code: smart but still functional (ie very slightly sloppy). which means smart dressing, plus cardigans (not jackets), and ugly rubber-soled shoes. lawyers and accountants dress up, we do not.

as for heels, these are the people who have expressed disapproval when i have worn heels (as in, 1-2 inch) to hospital: ortho reg, theatre nurse, gen med reg. RPH in general (floors are pro-clicking, and everybody turns to see who's running in heels to get to ward round on time). and suits! in the unspoken med student fashion rules, you do not ever wear a suit. the consultant wears a suit, and very rarely the registrar may choose to wear a suit. if you're a cold med student, you wear thermal underwear+long sleeved shirt+the thickest jumper/cardigan you can find!

if my 15 year old feminist self could have foreseen that six years later, i'd be joining ward rounds in a suit and heels, i don't think i would have given mum so much grief about alternative careers.

*disclaimer: there is no real evidence base for me to say this, but i've observed that it's the british consultants who tend to quiz students with a mock inquisitive expression, eg "so why is it that we aren't transfusing this lady? she has a Hb of 70. wouldn't you transfuse her?" (maintains/intensifies eye contact, raises eyebrow).

salty egg pancakes

"why didn't you steam eggs?" my mother asked, as i woefully showed her my dinner over skype. so that's what i did today. steamed eggs and veg. or, in my rendition, "salty egg pancakes and raw vegetables." take that, masterchef. tt said he felt like vomiting when i described it to him, but i actually do feel like vomiting from eating it.

as much as i enjoy laughing about my own inability to cook, it's very inconvenient. especially considering my favourite topic, "adultescence" (this article sums it up), and my own resolution that i will have moved out of home by the time i'm thirty, whether or not i'm married. given my attempts at cooking this week, i sincerely hope i will be married by then. preferably to a chef.

i think i am beginning to get used to having the entire house to myself. even so, i was very relieved to hear that mum will be catching the plane home tomorrow. hooray! kaixing will be so happy to see her. she and me both.

ps sorry there's no picture. i wish we had another camera, these 'dishes' would make priceless photos. i can tell my future kids how i suffered before i met their dad (the chef).

lessons from singapore, and being home alone

i mentioned that we had lunch (dimsum) at tung lok one of the days that i was in singapore. during this lunch, mum told us to eat lotus buns for 'good luck'. then i overheard one of my aunties explaining that the food had been offered to my grandparents. as i looked at that bun, i was suddenly reminded of all of my past guilt at having eaten offered food at my grandfather's funeral. caught and confused, i turned to my brother. he reminded me:

Romans 14:14 As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean.

Romans 14:17-18 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, ¹⁸because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men. (NIV)

i realised what an idiot i'd been. God has given me freedom in what i eat, but i still chose to shackle myself. i prayed last night, i pictured God taking my hand and leading me away from my chains to freedom. and freedom, what is that? then i saw myself just running, hand in hand with God, and then i realised i was running to God. what a wonderful kind of freedom.

during the wedding, i mingled with a few of the guests. nobody i met was even remotely near my age, or medical. and it was so refreshing! i love my classmates, so i didn't expect to feel this way. i don't like talking about medicine, mainly because i feel very... categorised when people find out, but this time was different.

i spoke to intelligent people who were genuinely... inspired (for lack of a better description) by the path i've chosen. no, this isn't just the course that all my friends are studying. no, this isn't just the path that all asian parents want their children to take. no, this isn't the course you enrolled in because you wanted to make use of your high TER. no, this isn't the career that you chose to have a comfortable life/own a porsche/live in peppermint grove. it's none of those things, but at the same time it's so much more. after my very mediocre year so far, it felt nice being reminded of that.

this is the first time i have ever been home alone for >24 hours.

i have learnt that being a house wife is not easy. you really have to plan ahead for everything: i can't start the washing machine now because i won't be home to take the clothes out, i have to start cooking the rice now because i am going to be hungry at 7pm, etc. actually, i still haven't started the washing machine and clothes are spilling forth out of the laundry basket.

it's amazing what you can learn/do during times of desperation. perth is very cold right now, and last night i learnt how to turn on the fireplace. i must have only done it a couple of times in the last 13 years that we've lived in this house.
today i cooked my first non-instant noodle/udon meal! haha it took me one hour to cook rice, fry some bok choy (the only vegetable i recognised at the grocery store), and fry an egg. erm. if that seems excessively long, it's because i was the egg in the wok for ages before i realised that the gas was on, but the stove wasn't lit.

going back to hosp this morning was... intense. at first i couldn't find my team, (i'd never met them), but then i spotted my classmate and tagged on as they disappeared into the room. i was standing there, still dazed and disoriented, when the whole scene of a very complicated (medically and emotionally) case proceeded to unfold before me.

i've got to go. 7.30 again tomorrow morning.

four days in singapore

i have a certain aversion to missing classes. i'm always paranoid that i'm going to miss that one mind-blowing concept that's forever going to change the way i understand... renal disease, for example.

so i get a little bit anxious/uncomfortable every time i have to take leave. and i always have to take control of the situation by rationalising the situation and reminding myself that a lot of students don't regimentally follow their clinical rosters.

and it is always worth it. i have never regretted taking the time off, and this time was no exception. i'll try my best to summarise:

friday
6.40am: arrived at Changi airport. caught a cab home, then had a nap.
lunch time: went to town with mum and my brother for lunch
2pm: hair appointment at 2pm.
4pm: back to katong to have my eyebrows shaped. here we bumped into jenny yeemah, who was getting her eyebrows done, too.
4.30pm: manicure and pedicure appointment. bumped into janet yeemah and ah kim. it seems like my whole extended family was having their hair/nails done at the same time!
night: dinner at some local restaurant with the savliwalas, yeemah's family, and weirong gor.

saturday
morning: we went to the temple to pai my grandparents. apparently it was the filial thing to do since my cousin was getting married. when we were standing around outside, i saw my parents talking to this caucasian guy and waving us over. i figured he was one of dad's colleagues, but then mum told me that he's my uncle bob! which meant that nicole's family was around... and before i knew it, there was my extended family again- janet yeemah's family, jenny yeemah's family, and the strausses. so we all went off to lunch together.

lunch: at tung lok with the temple crew, plus the savliwala family.

night: went to funyee's house to hang out with the family. the loreks were there, as well as the strausses. i went over to play with my cousin lucas, and i was like "ha! i found you", and the next thing i know, sophia was tugging at my skirt and saying "now you have to count to ten". well! apparently my hide-and-seek days weren't quite over.

sunday
morning: didn't sleep at all the night before because i had "nobody", by the wondergirls, stuck in my head. jumped out of bed when candice's alarm rang at 5am.

6.30am: arrived at sherlin jie's house. we were the first bridesmaids to arrive, apart from ruiqin, who'd spent the night.

~8.am: groom and groomsmen arrive for the gatecrash! i actually didn't get to see much of the games because i was whisked away to sherlin's room to act as the 'decoy bride'. that is, after charles and his 'brothers' had sung "I will always love you" at the top of their voices, they opened the door to find... me. i told them the bride wasn't here, and as charles turned away from the door, i am sure i heard a "shit! ...i'm going home". haha! of course the other bridesmaids pretended to 'forget' where sherlin jie was, until we were given more angpaos. that's how the game goes.

rest of day: wedding! i was trying so hard to look demure in the wedding procession, but i was so excited about being a bridesmaid that i was unable to wipe the huge, idiotic grin off my face. we got home way past midnight.

monday
morning: frantically googling possible restaurants for dinner.

lunch: at mum's favourite hawker centre on old airport road.

afternoon: went to plaza singapura with josh and nicole to watch the karate kid. then i insisted on getting hokkaido ice cream, because i was still delusional about them having taro-flavoured ice cream. they don't!!! i have been deceiving myself for two years! and they didn't even have any black sesame left, so i had to settle for milk tea ice cream.

dinner: i ended up celebrating my 21st at moomba, which was very fitting because it was an australian restaurant! we didn't book a private room, but because it was a monday night there were very few people and we ended up having the entire restaurant to ourselves later in the evening.

i'd actually planned on taking my presents back to Australia and opening them on my actual birthday, but i could tell from the bags that some of the gifts were very expensive, so i asked for a show of hands from those who wanted me to open their gift. everyone raised their hand! the gifts were pretty amazing, but i can honestly say that what made me happiest that night was that i could celebrate with my family. we're usually scattered all over the world, so it is very special when we can all be together.

the cake was lychee rose-flavoured, and it arrived with some very showy sparklers.

tuesday
flew back to perth today. i think i've averaged four of sleep/night over the past four days, so i am looking forward to a good night's sleep. and then to my 7.30am start tomorrow morning. i really shouldn't have bothered packing any O&G notes into my bag. it was such a wonderful trip, but it does feel great to be home.

random conversation from the trip:
me: "uncle please take me to ________"
taxi uncle: "oh you want ERP or PIE"
me: "err... i don't know, i can't remember. up to you."
-pause-
me: "um, but please don't bring me to JB (malaysia), can?"

orientation week

holidays are over, and this week has been set aside for lectures and workshops to orientate us to obstetrics and gynaecology. these have included history taking, various examination techniques, and other important issues such as grief and Aboriginal health.

it's nice to be in a taught as a cohort, i am thoroughly enjoying the company and communal lunch periods. it's one of those things i miss about pre-clinical life. and the staff are very nice. once i was concentrating very hard on my timetable, trying to figure out how to swap out of my delivery shift this weekend. one of the ladies just came up to me and commented "you look stressed. don't worry, you're going to love it. everybody loves it."

i am sure i will, too. i can recall being terrified of childbirth since i was a child, and even though i'm not going to be the one giving birth, O&G hasn't exactly been something i've looked forward to. but now that i am here, i may as well make the most of it!

the house is looking very sparse now. both of my siblings have packed up their rooms and left the country already. mum and dad will leave tomorrow morning, and then it will be my turn on friday.

wedding mania

watching us, you'd think we were part of some sort of reality tv show.

there is a distinct impression that each family is competing (in a friendly way) against the others to see who is best dressed. or rather, nobody wants to be worst dressed. shopping trips (and believe me, these have been numerous) are a family affair, with every spare man giving their advice on whether this shirt looks good with that tie, this necklace with that dress.

some of the dieting techniques have not been so conventional. take the other day, for instance, where my mother was encouraging me to eat some of the papaya from our garden.

mum: "eat papaya. then tomorrow morning go toilet. then diarrhoea. then your stomach flat."

i think it is just that my seamstress must have envisioned me being motivated to lose weight (and perhaps also grow three inches taller) by her ambitious tailoring. i suspect i am going to end up sweeping the dance floor with my dress.

emails are flying back and forth through cyberspace. there are four hundred guests, but still we have managed to keep it pretty much a family affair. the wedding is next sunday, and my academic leave only commences the friday before. it shall make for a very interesting whirlwind of hair appointments, DIY nail sessions, and rehearsals.

winter break '10

just like that, we're halfway through the semester break. i really don't know where the time has gone- if i tried to allocate the time that i've spent, i would end up with a surplus.

here are some of the things i do remember:
- tetrinet
- meals with friends
- shopping (in a controlled way, i promise!)
- listening to online sermons by pastor mark driscoll of mars hill church, seattle
- way too much masterchef
- lots of walks & housework
- re-reading graceling, by kristin cashore

morning walks by the river with my wonderful prayer partner :)

kaixing is nearly blown away by the chilly wind!

i've never watched a full episode of masterchef before this week, but suddenly i'm hooked. i like adam the best. no, not because he's a lawyer, but because he's a good cook! i like the way he is so enthusiastic about everything, and always so eager to learn. some of the comments by the judges are quite devastating, though. i can see a lot of metaphors for clinical learning!

sometimes i find myself participating in discussions about what i enjoy doing in my spare time. usually i throw out some flippant comment such as, 'what spare time?', but occasionally, i mention books. the most frequent reply is 'oh i used to read, too... i don't anymore'. sometimes i've even found myself the one uttering those words. the thought of losing your enjoyment of reading simply breaks my heart. is it possible to just discard reading, as we would our barbie dolls? if we don't have the time to practice it, could we simply "grow out" of reading?

dymocks didn't have the book i wanted, so i went to my bookshelf and picked up graceling, mainly because it's a stand-alone book.

[spoiler alert!] one of the 'twists' in the book is that the protagonist, katsa, isn't actually a talented killer, as we have been deceitfully led to believe from reading the blurb. she is, in fact, a talented survivor. i think that this revelation could have been explored further in the novel.

you see, all along katsa has been the king's sword. one of the perpetuating factors for this is her belief that she is by nature a ruthless killer/monster. so imagine the paradigm shift that her discovery must have represented! disappointingly, it was quickly summarised in a single comment by her traveling companion: "you have the rest of your life to tip the balance".

katsa's situation reminded me of how we often don't see the big picture. sometimes we can feel like victims of circumstance, but maybe it's just that our perception of the situation is wrong...or simply incomplete. but God, who is in control, sees in entirety. He knows every thread in the tapestry. katsa had a choice, but did not recognise this and therefore forged a path of torture and cruelty. i thought it both fascinating and true that her own perception of bondage became her cage. [end spoiler]

i did a little bit of googling to see when the next book will be out. i found this article from kristin cashore's blog quite amusing! she tries to discuss one of her characters' abilities through physics.

oh and to conclude, my hypothesis was wrong; i haven't really outgrown reading- it is still as enjoyable as ever :)

verse for the day: 1 corinthians 13:12-13

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. (The Message)

car woes

over the past week, my car has been making strange electronic noises that do not obey a consistent pattern. the first time it happened, i had a mini panic attack, and my thoughts very rapidly oscillated between:

1. Oh God, please don't let me die (repeat, double time and repeat)
2. Isn't there a "check the 'check engine' light" light? - Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory (S2E5)
3. Random images of exploding cars from various tv/movie scenes

based on the electronic nature of the sounds, the lack of any specific symbols on my dashboard, and the previous history of a temperamental reverse sensor system, i decided to ignore the sounds. we had sensors installed when we bought the car. they have never actually worked, even after repeated visits back to the dealers. so it seemed like a valid explanation to me.

it just so happened that last night, A and i were going to meet J at the Ellington, and decided to meet first at a nearby street and then proceed together from there. when i sat in her car, i realised that my car's left set of lights were not lit. and thus, the car mystery was finally solved.

it turns out that the left indicator is broken, as are the brake lights. i have no idea why this would happen, given that my car has not sustained any external physical forces. it is with some irony that i recall C's words to me the last time* my car decided to break down on me: "it could have been worse, it could have been your indicators that were broken." well, i was willing to be optimistic then but i now know first hand which was worse. although i would've preferred not to find out this way.

mum is kind of annoyed, she says Candice is definitely going to get a Japanese car when she gets her licence. my brother agrees. but i sort of fondly regard my car as an errant child- just when i'm about to get an opportunity to relax, it throws a tantrum. which does pose a problem for me- do i now have to cancel all of my holiday engagements? hmmm.

*spark plugs; 20-30km/h at passive rights and terrible acceleration along Thomas Rd. i greatly admire the gentleman who patiently drove behind me for the vast majority of that traffic light dotted stretch of road.

anatomy and winter sales

Hello! I've rotated to my option unit now, which is Anatomy. My task is to dissect a hand and forearm and identify as many structures as I possibly can. Most of the time I am alone with the hand-forearm, which is okay. It is a good opportunity for practical learning, and not really all that tedious except when I am trying to work on the hand.

When I leave the room for lunch, I have to walk through the room where we had our Anatomy labs in first and second year. It is coming up to the University exam time, and I can see the stress/curiosity/blank looks on the students' faces... it is almost like stepping back in time for me; the air is exactly the same.

Then there are times when I step into the corridor between the Anatomy lab and where I work, and I can see through the windows above the doors that lie at the end. That's CTEC. The surgical trainees learn there, they are scrubbed and gowned and practice on simulated patients. And in that instant there is that heart-pull feeling again. Just when I thought I'd become too rational and too pragmatic, and too numbed by routine and the currents of a structured assessments and a University degree. I realised I still have passions.

It is mere coincidence that my next topic of discussion, shopping, should follow my last comment on passions. The thing is, I can only dissect for so many hours before my neck is uncomfortably stiff, which leaves me with free afternoons. And this is how I know that the Winter sales are truly upon us; I went shopping three days in a row :/ This is in fact even more terrible than it sounds because my new year's resolution was to not shop (groceries and toiletries are okay) for a whole year. I lasted until the 27th of February.

I think I would have lasted longer had there been a positive component to my resolution. As in, I should have said something like "I will stop shopping in 2010 so that I can give the money I would otherwise have spent on clothes, to children in [insert poor country]". But the fallacy in that statement is that my mother buys my clothes, so in reality my resolution was more like "I will stop shopping in 2010 because I have way too many material possessions and I have just realised that shopping is really quite a meaningless activity".

The DJs and Myer sales start this week *deep breath in*. Here we go.

being a patient

okay now I've learnt:
- not just how to put an LMA down somebody's throat but to do it as gently as possible because waking up with a really sore throat is not fun
- that i should perform jaw thrusts as kindly as possible because the bruising and neck stiffness is going to persist for days
- that how you deal with the patient immediately before the operation (ie smiling, being warm, putting them at ease) is so important

and that's pretty much it because i can't remember the sting of propofol, or what dreams i had, or whether i was even told to count to ten. i blame it on the midaz.

in any case, i can't really claim to have experienced what my patients go through, because getting your wisdom teeth out isn't really the same as having your gall bladder out. and given all my morbid thoughts the day before the operation, i was surprisingly cheerful on the day itself. being pushed around on the trolley was fun, and when i woke up there was jelly and ice cream and all this nice stuff to eat. i didn't really like my drip, but the nurse took it out for me pretty soon after i woke up.

of course, my happiness was short lived. when i woke up yesterday morning, the long-acting LA had worn off. it gave me a new appreciation for all of my ice packs. this was partially my fault because my pharmacological analgesia was supposed consist of NSAIDs and Panadeine Forte but because i'd never had any codeine before the anaesthetist decided i should just have prn paracetamol, and i was too lazy to find my paracetamol so i just ended up having NSAIDs. it's the highest dose i've ever had, so i'm hydrating myself like mad (see: association between NSAIDs and acute renal failure).

this morning when i woke up, my sutures had dissolved, and.. suffice it to say that i had to wash my face and mouth very carefully. and then of course i had to go to my neuro kit and fish out a pen torch so that i could examine the clotting progress. it was still quite a fresh clot which then made me wonder whether i should just skip my morning NSAIDs (see: association between NSAIDs and platelet dysfunction), but in the end i decided that i couldn't deal with the pain.

checklist patients

I'm on my Oncology rotation right now. Part of the assessment requirements for this unit include a logbook of 10-12 patients. The logbook worksheets are comprised of specific questions that have to be answered and as such, directed history taking is very helpful.

Last week, S and I spent time talking with patients with the aim of filling out our logbooks. But some things that the patient told me about their concerns didn't make sense. And I'm not going to write them here because it's confidential, but when I went back and clarified with the patient, I was -ok-not quite blown away, but still stunned by what was then revealed.

It reminded me of the incredible value of asking open questions, and the consistent emphasis on history taking skills.

So whether you're a classmate or a colleague (or just interested), I highly recommend reading the poem "A piece of my mind", by Stephen A. Schmidt.

PS It's also my turn to become a patient on Friday, which should be interesting. Except I'll be going to a private hospital, so I doubt there'll be any healthcare students there.

Hataraki Man

Once, when I was really bored, my brother suggested that I watch this Japanese series called 'Hataraki Man'. I didn't really get very far with it, but the one part I do recall is when the protagonist, a real life office superwoman, asks her colleague 'do you ever run for the train?'. And it turns out that he doesn't, and she does, and that is why she is Hataraki Man, and he is not.

The point of this very random prologue is that I run! When I'm at McIver I run to the the train if it is waiting. And then when I reach the city, I run up the escalators, across the walkway, and down the other escalators to get to my platform. But during all of this, I've noticed that I'm the only one doing any running. Everybody else very stylishly brisk walks.

This is the second time that I've been allocated RPH against my wishes, but I have had the most fantastic week. I think I shall dub this the Hospital Preferences Phenomenon, ie every time I get the allocation I want, I don't enjoy it as much as I thought I would, and I end up loving all the attachments that I've grudgingly accepted.

The highlights of my week:
- pathology microscopy tutorials: seriously awesome
- haematology ward rounds: I went on my dream ward round today
- having a timetable, therefore feeling loved/cherished/not ignored
- meeting all of my old 'friends' at RPH! In four days I've met my 4th year Med Reg, the ex- CCU RMO and intern, my favourite consultant, various sixth years, and church friends... really, I don't know how I ever thought of RPH as bleak.
- more good company; meeting with James for lunch and clerking patients with Simon
- having friday off

Release date: 2011

So it seems The Sending, the final installment in Isobelle Carmody's Obernewtyn Chronicles isn't coming out this year after all.

I'm not very disappointed, because I know and respect Isobelle's desire for perfection. It's gourmet in a world of book fast food. Plus, I waited eight years for the Stone Key (2008) to come out anyway, so another year doesn't seem so bad :P

You can read the interview here.

I love this part where Isobelle says: "...what I like doing is taking a character and making it seem comical or cowardly or silly, and then producing a paradigm shift so that we can see that all of these things can hide incredible courage, depth, and blinding beauty of spirit." So, so true.

The book was supposed to come out during my Obs&Gyn term, so now I am going to have to change plans and read this book instead. Hello, Dymocks!

taking the highway

so after nearly six weeks, i've realised that my initial impression was right- i do live very far away from fremantle. very far, as in thirty minutes' drive away, which is then compounded in my very stoned/tired brain at the end of a long day at the hospital. (or at the end of three hours of clinic, which is sufficient to achieve the same effect).

it is at those times that i have of getting back somewhat this tendency to drive slightly over the speed limit (60km/h) in the hope that i may sooner receive the therapeutic benefits of arriving home and plonking my bag (+ all of its contents) on the floor. i imagine swinging a water hammer would achieve the same effect.

a couple of weeks ago i attended this post-easter camp youth service. we were challenged to be discipled- in all aspects of our lives. to cut a long story short, when i decided to respect the speed limit, i began to notice something. quite often the cars that were overtaking me, would end up immediately in front of me at a red light. or they would cut out of my lane and then end up waiting behind somebody who was turning.

the other day, i got quite attached to this particular p-plater (red P's) who repeatedly overtook me because he kept getting stuck behind turning cars. we ended up traveling quite far down stirling highway together! for the twilight fans, he was also driving a volvo ;)

it got me thinking about the whole journey versus destination thing. we traveled the same length of stirling highway together, in the same amount of time, but in totally different ways. and in spite of my admiration that he can drive well enough to cut in/swerve out/speed up/brake suddenly, what did any of that achieve for him?

in any case, it confirmed my suspicions that no matter what, it is impossible for me to make it home in 20 minutes. not even if i could drive like a teenage guy. but that's okay, because tomorrow is my last day at fremantle. YAY! :D

running after you

i am definitely a morning person. the first thing that comes to mind every morning is either:
1. good morning, God!
2. what a good sleep/:)/i am content
3. my life is perfect

this is not to say that i really do think i have the perfect life, but somehow the morning air/light/smell is optimism and i recall the things that i am grateful for: good health, a loving family (dog included), God's love, education, church and friends, financial security (technically, my parents' finances but i am secure in the knowledge that they will not withhold anything from me :P), car, food, etc.

but sometimes i feel like i am too blessed and it becomes a burden. like, i have so much, and how am i meant to use my life/talents/possessions wisely?

the other day i was having this mini crisis because i suddenly thought about the children who don't have access to education and would never dream of going to university because they don't have the opportunities that i do, and thought: i should be studying harder. i should be making the most of what i have been given, i should be using my opportunities to make a difference.

this was then followed by some heart sinking feeling because of course, what difference am i really making to anybody? and in all my years of living so far, has my life really made an impact on anybody? i am just another overprivileged, but not remotely famous paris hilton. (except not remotely that rich either).

many of us live constantly trying to live up to others' expectations of us- or maybe even our own. but if a parent takes their child to piano lessons, and the child has little interest in the piano, is the child really at fault? is s/he really being ungrateful for the opportunity? (there are many children, perhaps, who cannot afford piano lessons). i suppose it really depends on the child's attitude.

whose expectations are we trying to live up to? and what are God's expectations for us? would someone viewing my life from the outside see a person who is trying wholeheartedly to meet those expectations?

since that day, God has been teaching me new things. i used to love this one verse: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me- Phil 4:13

wow. cool verse, right? if anything was the matter, it was straight to: don't worry! i-can-do-all-things-through-Christ-who-strengthens-me . if ever i am sliding down into a trough, i had this verse up my sleeve to boost me back up onto a peak.

but i hadn't actually looked at the context in which it was written, and it was this- Paul is talking about what he learned in prison, how (verse 11) I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. (verse 12) I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

that verse, i think, is really Paul describing his ability to praise God even in the troughs. thus i discovered a new love for that verse, because how much more amazing is it that we can praise God even in the storms of life! and i have decided, no matter what storms are going on in my life right now, i want to be somebody who keeps running after God, singing praises all the way.

shifting dullness

yesterday, a friend and i were lingering in the corridor discussing whether or not we should just go home (it was ~2:15pm) or try to see another patient, when a reg came up to us and said, "excuse me, are you students?". a quick glance around revealed to me that i was standing close to the fire doors. i casually moved over, then glanced back to see if i was still in trouble. he was still looking at us.

"uh, yes..?"

"if you have time, i need some assistance a procedure. can you help me?" er, yes! hello! so we rushed off. i'm not really sure what he meant by assistance, because all he really needed me to do was open for him when he was gowned up, but he talked us through the procedure (an ascitic tap), and let us examine the patient for shifting dullness.

it was pretty cool, but what i really wanted to learn was how to secure a drain (with sutures), and to my great disappointment, medical registrars secure them with a combination of gauze and tegaderm. i'm not kidding. it was just like, stick stick stick stick stick "okay it's not stitched in so try not to move!"

it's a little bit strange that for the past month of my respiratory term there has been no pleural tap in sight, but a passing reg led to an ascitic tap. i still think a chest drain would be cooler, though. apparently there was one this morning- my reg later said "oh, i should have called you".

thanks. you should have!!!

owl city

I've noticed that quite a few of my Christian male friends like Taylor Swift, seemingly irregardless of their individual musical preferences. I nominate Adam Young, of Owl City fame, as a contestant for her male equivalent:

Owls, Fireflies, and Jesus

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

- Vanilla Twilight, Owl City

a new way

I remember when I was in middle school, one of the debating topics was about procrastination. As I sat there and listened to the first speaker introduce the topic, I was relieved that I wasn't a debator, because I had no idea what procrastination meant. Not only was the word absent from my lexicon, it was also absent from my lifestyle.

How times have changed.

Procrastination is the bane of many students' lives. I speak to my friends about it, and we all indulge in communal whingeing about how we ought to stop procrastinating. But we can't. And for many years I've lived this life of not-enough-time , to the point that I've nearly forgotten what it feels like to be Truly bored. Because I've learned to numb that boredom with procrastination.

This afternoon as we were in the car, my brother asked me if I thought it was very slack of him to add an extra semester to his Law degree so that he could have more time. I did think so, and told him. "But it would be nice to have time to have a life," he argued. I then geared myself up and proceeded to give him a lecture on adultescence and the irresponsibility it depicted. "That's not what I'd use it for," he said, "I'd be happy even doing housework. Or sweeping the garden. Like that couple over there."

Funnily enough, I too had been watching that couple sweep their garden. And I had been thinking how nice it was that they could perform that simple task together (as in separately, but together. You know.)

A lot of things have been coming together for me. For months, I have been telling people how I have to stop being so addicted to Facebook. I have Conviction that it is an unhealthy obsession for me. I even wrote a mini three-pronged-argument on why I should reduce my Facebook time in my journal, based both on my own personal thoughts and experieinces, and on external factors such as sermons I have heard. You can call Facebook innocent and a "social networking tool", or whatever, but loving anything too much can also be a sin, and that's how it was for me.

So at Easter camp when it came to the altar call and we were asked to nail something to the cross, guess what I nailed? Because in spite of my conviction, I had repeatedly been relying on my own strength to quit my addiction. And I was just reminded there and then that I needn't try so hard and repeatedly set myself up for failure, because by grace and the cross Christ has already overcome our sins for us!

Right now it is 8:09pm on Sunday night, I have contributed to the household chores, I have finished all my work, and I have even gone for a run (okay, a jog) along the foreshore. I have no idea what else to do with my time. This is strangely reminiscent of that stress-free lifestyle I once led, when I was in middle school. I now have Too Much Time, and I guess No Time isn't going to be an excuse for not going to cell group this week. Perhaps I ought to search for some worthwhile hobbies!

P.S. I am blogging because I was telling my friend that since I now have Too Much time, he ought to start blogging so that I could read it whenever I felt Truly bored. But he has a girlfriend so I guess that explains why he has No Time, and he suggested that I should start blogging instead. If even to amuse myself.

P.P.S Does this count as a worthwhile hobby?