Goodbye post

Dear readers, it is finally time for me to move on. The seasons have been changing rapidly and winter has long departed. 

You can catch me on my new adventures (read: introverted musings) at https://orangejuicecity.wordpress.com

But before that- a trip down memory lane, plus some fun facts you probably didn't know.

1. I have been recording my thoughts for as long as I can remember.

I have had a journal since 1998. My first diary was a pink tweety bird lockable journal. There is a pile of old journals that I hope nobody ever discovers or reads because they'll judge me for how selfish and unforgiving I am. I kept a journal while blogging throughout university (one of many reasons I don't post that frequently).

2. This blog first began at the insistence of my high school friends. 

Well, the first incarnation of this blog, which was actually called A Rainbow's Dream (2004). My friends would instant message me (remember MSN??) and insist I update my blog daily. We somehow managed to keep this up for two years, even though life when I was fifteen was basically school-homework-dinner-homework-sleep-repeat.

3. Winter's star began as a decoy. And then a travel update. Then morphed into my own thought catalog.

When I started university, I wanted to continue blogging but I didn't want to be a target for gossip. You know what I mean. Word gets out about so-and-so's blog and suddenly you have friends/acquaintances visiting to stickybeak about your life and gossip about what you have written. I have seen different groups of friends do this to different people, so it can't be that uncommon. But of course this is expected- a blog is public, after all. Which is why I kept a journal. And took my original blog offline.

And then set up a decoy blog.

Yep, that's right- Winter's star began as a place for me to write pseudo-personal superficial fluff as a sort of red herring. A place to amuse myself and laugh back at the people who thought they were laughing about my intimate thoughts. Note my blogging ID- "genuinely superficial". I soon realised that was quite immature. A lot of those posts were deleted.

Winter's star returned as a sort of travel blog when I started taking overseas trips without my parents. Some people said to keep them updated with how I was going but I wasn't sure if they were just being polite. I didn't want to bombard people with emails and photos if they weren't that interested. So I started blogging here as a place for people to read updates if they were interested.

The idea for Orange Juice City was born 6 months ago. My boyfriend James wanted us to do something creative together. It was the perfect opportunity for an overdue move. There will be a different focus. Less abstract, more presence. What we did, where we went, where we are in life. It will still be a personal blog, but with more pictures. Although I don't promise I'll be able to stop myself posting long, introverted musings. 

See you there.

friendships

it may seem a little ironic that i am posting about friendships when in fact i have in fact erected a two month fence between myself and anybody outside of my immediate family and boyfriend.
but think on it for another few seconds and it becomes so obvious that the importance of friendships, like all things, becomes clearer once you step back.

it's like the idiom "you can't see the wood (forest) for the trees".

it is also one reason some people give when they recommend not moving in with a significant other/boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage. but that's another topic for another day.

in school and university, and maybe even to some extent at work, friendships are largely a matter of circumstance. i've said this before on many occasions. some of my friends even remember me telling them in second year of university that we probably wouldn't remain friends after graduation. i'll admit that's not exactly the best way to establish a friendship, even if i was trying to express my theory.

but here's the situation now. i haven't seen any of my friends for nearly two months. my exams are in a couple of weeks' time, and then after that i have a (short) list of friends that i have promised to catch up with. "catching up", in this case, is an intentional act. it is born of the mutual appreciation between two or more people for each other's company.

and here's another thing- you would expect the short list of post-graduation intentional friendships to be a subset of your university friends. but it isn't, or at least mine isn't. it is an eclectic mix of individuals with whom i have formed deeper connections. whether or not we met in high school, at a conference, on an internet forum, or at university. we could have met only a few times, or gone on multiple holidays together. there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason, except that we made the mutual effort to keep in touch.

that's all very nice, but what about the rest of the university friendship group? my university days were by far the most social years of my life. hardly a day went by when i didn't bump into someone i knew, be it in the library or the rare occasion I'm buying groceries. i think these are a few of the commoner reasons:

1. You don't have enough time
let's face it, there's a lot less free time in the post-graduation world. especially if you work well and truly over 40 hours a week and many of these hours include working on the weekend. and then life takes over, and in addition to work, you have to cook, take your car to the mechanic, schedule appointments with your accountant and financial advisor... that's all before kids come into the picture.
so we get it- we're all too busy. and there is not enough time in the world to have meaningful relationships with all 800 of your Facebook friends. but perhaps a subset of friendships that have fallen prey to this group actually falls under the next topic - you didn't care enough.

2. You don't care enough
the difference between friendships of circumstance and intentional friendships is that the latter comes with an opportunity cost. you don't catch up just because you're actually doing a group assignment, or have coffee while planning the year group video. you were at home, in between washing the dishes and hanging the laundry out to dry, and you're madly dashing to some hip new cafe with no parking bays because you want to connect with someone you care about. and for those whom you don't care enough about... well you can still like them, but not catching up you have simply decided that they aren't worth the opportunity cost.

3. They were toxic friendships
another example of not seeing the wood for the trees. looking back now, i can see that there are more than a few examples where i was not the best friend that i could be. and i can see the same of other people, even those to whom i spent the majority of six years confiding my deepest insecurities. it hurts to let go, but sometimes that's what's best for everyone.

one thing that i am ashamed of is not defending others enough. there were many occasions when person A would complain about person B behind their back. i have seen or been involved in all of the following:
- listening to person A and keeping my own thoughts on the matter private
- agreeing with person A
- remaining silent and then telling person B that person A doesn't like them
- telling persons C, D, E about person B's flaws
what about option E, telling person A that I know person B is having a hard time and didn't mean to hurt them. encouraging person A to forgive person B.
It seems to me that option E would be the most Christian response, yet I can only think of very limited situations where this has occurred. More often we just get caught up in wanting to know exactly what person B did that was so dodgy so that we can join person A in judging them (and perhaps thus feel better about ourselves).

4. Drifted apart
i don't know about this one. it's a funny topic- can you really drift apart if you value someone that much? sure, musical tastes and hobbies can change over time. but if you valued someone, would that not make you want to learn more about them, their thoughts, their preferences?

i used to be normal, like you

i think i'm pretty desensitised to death and dying. it's what happens when you work in a hospital. certifying deaths on the wards during night shift. family meetings with relatives.

most of the time i just switch it off, but there are a few times when death doesn't just pass you in the corridor like a distant acquaintance. sometimes in passing, it stares right at you- through you, for a brief moment.

a wife of 50 years stroking her husband's hemiparetic face. a boy, aged by grief as he watches his 20 year old girlfriend die of cancer. being consoled by her parents. an angry patient shouting and cursing in my department, bursting into tears before managing to utter these words - "i used to be normal, like you".

cure for the monday rush

my parents are overseas at the moment, so i had a pretty rushed morning. even though i woke up early, i still felt helpless in the face of all our dependent animals - both domestic and wild. my dog, who normally just wags her tail and sleeps in the morning, decided to scratch at my door some time before 6am, and continued to make heart breaking whining noises even though i'd hugged her, fed her, and let her out into the garden.

but that was all forgotten when i finally pulled out of my driveway, and was greeted by this beautiful view:

double rainbow!

and yes, i did indicate and pull over before taking the photo!

turning a quarter of a century years old

25 is a scary number. Soon I will be closer to being 30 than 20 - in your early 20's it's okay to stuff up, make mistakes, explore and find yourself.

By your 30's it sort of feels as though society is expecting you to make smart decisions, work hard at a job that you love, be responsible, and not make mistakes.

The problem is I still feel as though I'm 19. I'm still unsure about where I'm headed in life, I am way too dependent on my parents, and I care too much about what others think of me.

Among my particular social groups, a lot of my friends have been making big, mature adult decisions. Things like getting engaged, buying houses, and maybe even starting their own families. I have thought about these things- I have been house viewing so many times that I am pretty sure every real estate agent in the area can recognise my face. I have prayed for wisdom.

Sometimes it feels like I'm late in reaching my societal milestones. But maybe that's okay. What does society know, anyway?

25 seems like a nice round number to use as a check point to see if my life is headed where I want it to. To see if my life is telling the story that I want it to tell. Because life isn't about the big decisions that you make- it's about your daily choices.

Looking back, I've made more than my share of mistakes. There are so many times I could have been less selfish, more generous, more understanding. But that's okay too. If there's one big thing I have learnt this past year, it's that we shouldn't fear failure. Daring to fail means daring to live.

The other thing I often reflect on is how I want to die. Of course we don't get control over when or how we die, but our actions today will affect our thoughts as we lay dying. I would like to die feeling content, at peace with the world, and joyful at my impending reunion with my Lord. I hope I will not have too many regrets - looking back now, already most of the regrets I have accumulated are from taking the safe route. From not daring to try. Sounds silly, doesn't it- sometimes we are so afraid of failure that we don't give ourselves the opportunity to succeed.

So I guess here's to the next five* years of daring to fail, daring to succeed, and daring to live.

*I assume I will probably have some sort of reflection again around the time of my 30th birthday. Although that may feature on a different blog. Or just in my diary.

studying in bed

there they are again- that racing heart, the difficult swallow. my constant companions.

it is a cold and grey morning. my bed is very enticing.

i put on my fuzzy socks and climb into bed with my laptop.

years ago, i would have squealed with delight- it is a Sunday and I can do whatever I like all day.

yes, and today i want to study all day.

unconditional love.

If you had asked me when I was growing up whether I thought my mother loved me unconditionally, I would have said yes. But I didn't act as if I knew this truth.

A couple of weeks ago, during one of my increasingly common depressive moods, I asked my mother what would happen if I didn't pass my specialist exams.

I was a very happy child. A middle child, so I mostly minded my own business. Despite growing up in Asia, my parents have never really pressured me to succeed in school. I read books, built lego, did jigsaw puzzles, watched tv, and played with my brother and the neighbours. I didn't think anything about the future. I enjoyed school.

One day, I came back from school to tell my mother that I had ranked as the number 1 student in my class. Of course, I had no idea when I was sitting the exams that we were going to be ranked. I had no pre-conceived expectation that I was going to get an A. or 100%. And hence, I had no stress. My teacher was full of praise. My parents were overjoyed. They told all my relatives and all of our neighbours. Everybody said I was brilliant (for a 7 year old...).

From that day on, things were different. Now part of my identity had been crafted- I am 9 years old, I love mathematics and pink dresses, I am intelligent and obedient, my hobbies include riding my bike and reading books. For the most part, by God's grace, I performed well academically. Getting good grades never came as easily they had that first time in primary school, so sometimes I had to make sacrifices - I wouldn't play computer games too close to my exams, I had to limit my MSN chat time during the Yr 12 exams, as I got older I studied during the weekends and most evenings.

There is nothing wrong with being motivated to excel academically. I think I would want my own children to be motivated to succeed. But it starts to become worrying when your self worth is tied to your academic achievements. I recognised that it had come to that point for me. I told myself I just had to ace my final school exams, and then I was going to devote time to finding myself.

I joined clubs at university. I took up flute lessons and tennis lessons. I started attending church events more regularly. Then I started studying again. I couldn't bear the thought of not graduating with honours. I didn't want to be  one of the students who hadn't published any research during university. I didn't think I could bear the shame of sitting a supplementary exam or re-submitting an assignment. So I studied hard.

Working life was very different. For the first time, I was liberated (mostly) from studying. But then I started stressing again. I didn't want to be one of those doctors who hung around for years and never got a speciality training spot. I got irritated whenever some kindly lady asked me whether I was going to specialise. I could see my seniors tired from years of shift work without any training prospects in sight. I was anxious.

I ended up getting onto training even earlier than I had planned. The six months before I started my new job were great- I had my future secured. I was in a training programme. I didn't have to try so hard anymore. February came, and I started in my new job. It's a steep learning curve. I have four exams to sit this year. If I don't pass them by the end of next year, I lose my spot on the programme. I'll have to apply for another job... somewhere. I'll be a nobody. Or worse... a failure.

I study every night. And every weekend. I have an amazing boyfriend who understands this compulsion- when he's not working a night shift, he comes over to my house and sits beside me and watches me study.

Many of you know I've been sleeping poorly. I wake up too early and I can't summon the courage to leave my bed until I've prayed. I sing worship songs on my drive to work to calm my nerves. Sometimes I still have palpitations by the time I reach work. Other times my bosses note my incompetence and I become tachycardic again. 

So back to my question. What happens if I can't pass my exams, mum? I'm trying my best- but what if it isn't enough? Will you be disappointed with me? Because as much as it pleased me when my parents were proud of me, I was equally afraid of their disappointment.

My mother gave me a huge hug. "Don't be silly," she told me. "No matter what happens, mum and dad will always be proud of you". And I think for the first time, I finally believed her.

do what you love

as a first year trainee, I have received a lot of advice- all of it from people more senior (and probably wiser) than me.

a lot of it is conflicting- i should be doing more/less procedural work. i should have started studying in july last year vs i should take a break or i'll burn out. i should/shouldn't be reporting on my early shifts.
nb this seems to contribute to the myriad reasons why i am educated so frequently..

and as in every job, there are people you enjoy working with more than others. the bosses who teach constructively rather than critically, are clear (and gentle!) in their explanations, and confident enough to let you make mistakes as you learn.
on top of that, there are a few bosses who stand out further from the crowd. in my workplace, these bosses are filled with joy often the most competent and caring as well. it makes me wonder which came first, the joy or the competency.

a couple of weeks ago, one such boss asked me what i do for a hobby. i have always loved reading and writing. during my emotionally labile teenage years, playing the piano was another outlet for me. i love playing board games as much as the kids next door. heck, i'd probably enjoy baking too if anybody would be willing to consume my creations.

but apart from occasionally blogging, i haven't done any of the above for a long time. in fact, since year 11, i have always put everything enjoyable on the back burner after my studies.

i am ten years older now, and i know that life doesn't wait for you. studying has consumed the past decade of my life. i have achieved almost everything i had hoped to when i was in year 11. i thought that if i achieved this grade or accepted that job, i would feel accomplished and content- but yet here i am, still studying, and putting off friendships and life with the hope of passing exams and keeping my coveted job.

somewhere within the last decade I managed to lose my ability to wake up, smile at the sunshine, and give praise to God for my perfect life. and i think part of the reason is that this particular consultant was right, that you do need to keep doing the things you love, and love the things that you do.

so in an attempt to encourage more positive thinking, here are five happy thoughts for me today:
1. I believe there is a God who has triumphed over sin and death and whose grace is sufficient for my life. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
2. I have an amazing boyfriend.
3. My parents and immediate family are all healthy and happy.
4. Today is church day! I love going to church.
5. I am going to spend a good deal of today studying which is going to make me feel productive and more optimistic about passing this exam!!!

as my favourite author puts it: "I have learned that happiness is like the sun. It must be enjoyed when it comes and while it shines." (Ashling, Isobelle Carmody)

first compliment

since starting work in my dream job, life has gone downhill. things aren't as rosy as i had imagined, and i am nowhere near as competent as i would like to be - or is as expected of me. i am educated/scolded on a daily basis, sometimes not in the kindest of ways. sometimes this gets to me- i have been waking up quite frequently with nightmares.

today, i was floored when i received a compliment from the most unlikely source. i am naturally quite self-critical, and usually i just bat compliments away and choose to dwell on the criticisms. but i think   i have become conditioned to expect the onslaught of criticism, so any change is like a sea breeze. i am going to savour the moment. who knows when the next compliment will be.

whatever it is, whether i make it through this training or not, i know that God has a plan for me.

i woke up this morning in a panic.

first i panicked about studying for exams.
then i panicked about being in my twenties and having my former relationships and friendships shift in ways beyond my control.
then finally, my thoughts changed to things that really mattered and i thought about my salvation.

all of these thoughts flitted by in rapid succession. of the three, the last thought was probably the most worthwhile.

panicking too much doesn't benefit memory retention. worrying about things beyond your control is a waste of time. but being aware of your own sinful nature is important. because until we realise how absolutely filthy we are, we don't understand the full measure of grace.

and so what started out as an alarming sunday morning has turned into a wonderful reminder to place my trust in God. it's very well expressed in this beautiful song: Cornerstone, by Hillsong.

new beginnings

Gong xi fa cai! I woke up at 3am this morning, evidently still quite jet lagged from a wonderful 2.5 weeks away on holiday with my family. There was a great mix of shopping, sightseeing, eating, and outdoor recreational activities.

As of tomorrow, I'll be starting a new job in a different setting. The feeling is a curious mix of excitement and unfamiliarity, somewhat reminiscent of the final weeks of summer leading up to my pre-clinical years of university. Even the weather reminds me of O-week. Accordingly, my thoughts have drifted towards the same sorts of tasks- preparing my stationery, printing my timetable, planning appropriate transportation, deciding what to wear, and obtaining a diary.

I do have a smart phone (with a calendar app), but it doesn't display all the information I need in the same way. Plus I've always enjoyed the act of writing- even during university my notes were mostly handwritten. Before i started working full-time, I would travel to Singapore at the end of every year to visit friends and family. There I would also pick up one of my aunt's free personal banking diaries, or purchase my own (usually of the Sanrio variety). This year, I headed to my local newsagency and was absolutely delighted to discover the Cumberland Student Planner Diary for a very reasonable $5.45.

This diary is perfect in every way- from my favourite B5 size, a simple week view layout, and the all important homework page. I've always been a big fan-girl of my old school diary, and to my mind a diary just isn't complete without a to-do page. The only thing that's lacking is a picture of Kiki and Lala on the front.

testimonial of faith.

Happy new year! This is the first time I've celebrated the New Year in Australia. It was very low key compared to my previous experiences. I watched the fireworks from my window, and wished J, C, and the two dogs a happy new year.

I don't tend to make any serious new year's resolutions, but I do like reflecting on the previous year, and what a year that was! If I could describe it in one word, that word would be Faith.

The early months of 2013 were an uncertain time for me. And like others in my situation (I assume), I felt confused, helpless, and anxious. You hear the stories from those who have forged paths before you- "I fell into my speciality", or "I've always wanted to do X, so I worked hard for it".

I decided I would put my faith into action. Faith in God, which I interpreted as a eureka moment when I realised I loved surgery, and smoothly transiting thereafter into the training programme without difficulty. Given my surgical term was not until Term 3, I decided that I would not make any applications this year while I put my faith into action.

I guess some part of me knew deep inside that faith doesn't mean believing something you want will happen just because that's how you want your life to pan out. But aren't we all guilty of that? Yet I am so grateful that God is not a backpack God, but the God of Isaiah. As I let go of my own human goals and ideals, I was amazed by the path that I was led towards.

From one thing to another, I ended up in a completely unexpected speciality. You hear it all the time in testimonials - "God changed me", or "God told me to do this". I do believe that God is able, but I find it difficult to just accept vague and broad ranging testimonials. I need details. So here is a brief selection of details from my story.

- career selection crisis in Term 1, resulting in multiple discussions with my bosses. One of them mentioned the speciality that I would later apply for. I dismissed with at that time.
- two of my close friends had recently chosen the speciality, and loved it. One of them repeatedly suggested I consider it.
- for Term 2, I was seconded to the most distant hospital possible while still being considered "metropolitan". I tried my hardest to swap to a closer hospital, to no avail.
- during this term, I worked with a wonderful team of people, including a boss who gave me what was probably the best reference of my career.
- I also bumped into an old acquaintance here, and being incapable of small talk, decided to ask him what he honestly thought about his career (in the same speciality that my Term 1 boss mentioned). Following glowing reviews, he suggested that I contact the head of training and have a discussion.
- working in the same hospital, I discovered one day that the head of training was working... next door to me. Having had an unusually quiet day at work, I decided to say hello and ask about their career satisfaction.
- the discussion involved me mentioning that I had never previously considered this speciality. Despite this, I was surprisingly was encouraged to make an application for the job opening which would be in a month's time.
- I scrambled to find references, put together a CV, and spend more time in the department. Thinking that I probably had very little chance of getting into a competitive speciality in my state, I applied interstate as well. To my great amazement, I was invited to attend interviews, and subsequently offered both jobs.

There have been so many amazing moments in 2013, but I chose to share this story because the chain of events still amazes me.
From the conversations with people that God has placed around me, to the hospital placement that I tried so hard to escape, to the many "it just so happened..." moments in that hospital which led to my decision to apply. Even putting together a CV was dotted with so many coincidental moments- for example, having an unexpected extra week of leave to spend shadowing the department because a travel companion couldn't get enough time off work, and finding a relevant conference to attend in the same week and state as a surgical conference that I had already planned on attending.

So I am left feeling blessed, undeserving, amazed, yet so glad that I don't always have my own way. So joyful that God who is able to do so much more than I ask or want Him to. Around the world, many of us will continue living as though we have a God who is able to grant the desires of our hearts but somehow not able to change our hearts to have Godly desires. As you make your new year's resolutions, I pray that they will reflect faith in a God who is able.

2 Timothy 3:1-5
3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. (NIV)