fear and apprehension

it's a very strange feeling to have spent so many months looking forward to grad week, and then when it arrived, to think that all of that excitement was overrated after all. stranger still, to go in having been stripped of expectations and then discover that i really enjoyed graduation dinner after all.

lots of people seem to be expecting me to feel exuberant about this next phase of life. truth be told, i'm having real difficulty mustering any real enthusiasm. mostly because the future is looming, and it looks very daunting.

fear and apprehension.

but take heart! for courage is not the absence of fear, but acting in spite of it (Mark Twain).

it is less than 48 hours until we make our oaths.

dissonance

one of the reasons i like traveling is because it takes me away. not just physically, but away from my usual habits and and rituals, away from the things i do to fill my day. away from the life i know, so that i can know more about life.

it's a different box, with different insulators, but they are not mine. what remains lies at the core of what makes us human.

i didn't think it was time yet; this time i was enjoying my numbness, when it was nevertheless smashed around me. and what to do but let that empty space inside of me open up. and it does so, eliminating in the process the things which were not good enough.

and here is the heart of a matter- there is a dissonance between the big picture, and small details. you know what i mean. it's like one of those pictures everybody used to have in high school, where a thousand smaller pictures, seemingly unrelated, make up each shade and gradient of a much larger picture.

how then do we engage in the things which do not matter, without losing sight of the image they form? or perhaps it is instead that everything matters.

i do not know how this puzzle is resolved.

suffering

sometimes we are given storms. sometimes the purifying fire burns, the sculptor's chisel cuts.

the past three weeks have been incredibly difficult for me. at times i cried for the innocence i lost, that naive optimism i once had. wondering desperately if i would -could- ever feel whole and complete again. praying somehow that God would use my suffering for a bigger purpose, one that i perhaps do not yet understand.

to those of you who sat with me as i tried to 'study', who texted randomly to ask me how i was, who called and listened to me express my sorrow, who brought me gifts, who hugged me and told me you loved me, that i was not a moron, and that i worth so much... thank you :) your words meant so much to me. i cried as i read them, then reread them another two times.

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

- None but Jesus, Hillsong

surrender

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” - Matthew 26:42 (NIV)

I find myself arguing with God in the morning. But Jesus never experienced this. Surely you cannot know what this feels like, I say. But as soon as the words form themselves on my lips, I know that I am wrong. For is not Christ the bridegroom, and the church, his bride?

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

- Mighty to Save, Hillsong Australia

hope

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12, NIV

day 5

on the fifth day after major colonic surgery, one must always be on the look out for an anastomotic leak.

i am amazed by the fragility and the resilience of the human psyche in equal measure.

one last shift

tonight is the last time i'll ever have to go in to hospital as a student (pending exam results).

this is a momentous occasion!

(alternatively, the next time i have to do a night shift, i won't be able to sit at home blogging 40 minutes after the official start of my shift)

generation gap

I woke up totally dreading the multitude of errands I had to run today. Cold, rainy weather should be reserved for sleeping in, not for collecting visas, meeting professors, and entertaining relatives.

I cheered myself up by reflecting on some amusing conversations I've had with three gentlemen over the past month or so.

Conversation number 1, pre-breakfast tutorial:

me: so, dr H, have you ever heard of pokemon*?
consultant: pokemon... ah yes, I think I read about them in the paper the other day.
me: so what are they?
consultant: it's some creature that's being chased by ghosts
me: err... no. i think you mean pac man.

Conversation number 2, online conversation with dad:

me: haha ok. i might do that
dad: ok. do what you think is best.
me: ok cool np
me: (np= no problem)
dad: thanks for the explaination! I'm going to take a shower then hit the books.

Conversation number 3, meeting with prof:

Prof: sorry I'm late, I was caught up in a meeting...
Me: oh no that's fine! I was just updating my diary anyway
Prof: that's a physical diary; a paper diary
Me: (cheerfully) That's right! I'm old school. At least if anyone releases a huge electromagnetic pulse like in the Matrix, I'll still know when my appointments are.
Prof: tt could also be a Farenheit 451 situation
Me: erm, not sure, I haven't watched that movie
Prof: it's a society where they burn all the books instead
Me: er, oh, haha... yeah well I suppose there's always that alternative

Finally, I have just realised that Casting Crowns played at this year's Hillsong convention. I'm totally devastated that I missed it.

Looks like I'll be needing more amusing conversations to cheer me up.

*speaking of pokemon, I think Sherbet is secretly a pokemon. The only word she knows how to say is her name.

i'm great, thanks!

yesterday, a colleague of mine asked me how i was, to which i automatically replied "not too bad, thanks". he stopped what he was doing and remarked "you always say that".

how true. why settle for such a mediocre response? why not "i'm great!"

i actually am great. it's approaching the end of the year, and i've finished all of my practical assessments. there are only two written exams between me and graduation, and three weeks for me to study for them. i'm not feeling particularly stressed, and my timetable isn't exactly demanding.

according to the latest AMA magazine, i should even have good health parameters as a result of living in close proximity to a very nice park.

following exams, there will be a week of relaxation (ie re-reading the obernewtyn chronicles, including the Sending), followed by a week of formalities and festivities. and then i'll leave for my grad trip.

so...all in all, this really ought to be the time of my life. i don't have reason to feel anything less than great.

ask me again :)

{well clothed, well loved, and too well fed}

p.s. owl city, you've done it again.

camera trends

i am the proud owner of a panasonic dmc-tz10. i loved this camera so much that when it broke, my dad went out and bought the same camera. well, hopefully an upgraded version, but it looks pretty much the same to me.

having said this, i do realise that people who use DSLR cameras tend to take much more beautiful photos- that is, if they can be bothered bringing/using their cameras. personally, i don't like lugging things around, so i am sure i would fall into the secondary category and not end up with any photos at all.

i was just clicking at random online shopping sites and came across the Pentax Optio WG1. how amazing does that sound? but i don't know very much about camera specs, so i figured it could end up being extremely dodgy. the last pentax i used was a black and white film camera... probably safer to trial one out in person. but then a couple more clicks brought me to the Panasonic Lumix FT3.

a lumix, like my favourite little camera, except indestructible!

apparently it even shoots 3D photos! i can't really imagine this... holographic photography?? putting aside my initial impulse, i can't really justify getting one of these cameras. i already have a reasonably new, perfectly good camera. and the last time i went swimming was in January.

days like this

today was one of those days where from the moment you wake up, you know that everything is going to go wrong.

...So you plan for it.

You double your estimated parking time, because the rangers all know your number plate
You reverse and make turns slowly, because everybody's forgotten how to drive
You drink lots of fluids, because you know you'll develop side effects from your injection
You run your errands around your family's schedule, because you'll be the designated driver today
You keep your eyes on the ground, so you don't end up stepping into a pile of poop
You try to dress nicely, because you'll have to take a photo with a pimple on your forehead
You pick all of the safe options, because you don't want to accidentally end up under investigation

and when somebody shows you an act of kindness, you trip over your words as you thank them, because you're so surprised.

it's funny how on days like this, we value things so much more.

vacation planning

really looking forward to my upcoming four days off. now that i've only got one shift to go, i feel like i am going to survive it. i also think that the cost-benefit ratio of working the weekend shifts is in my favour- instead of working five days a week and getting two days off, i work an extra two days and double my time off. :O nice!

i used to wish i'd chosen a shorter degree so that i could graduate earlier, but now i realise that life would have been a lot more taxing without all of these endless summer holidays. regarding the upcoming vacation, i am currently trying to decide between a week-long road trip and bumming around at home. you'd think this would be an easy decision to make, but it's not!!!

Reasons to go
- i really, really want to go to exmouth/ningaloo reef
- limited opportunities/leave once i start working
- won't be able to go as a large group due to said leave issues

Reasons to stay
- should really spend more quality time with my pets and family
- help mum out with the housework so she can play more golf
- save $$$ since i'm going overseas
- will have more time to catch up with friends/sort out misc admin stuff/pack instead of cramming it all into grad week
- way too tiring; might just want to bum around and R&R at home and recharge

senioritis

according to wikipedia, "a colloquial term used in the United States and Canada to describe the decreased motivation toward studies displayed by students who are nearing the end of their high school, college, and graduate school careers". hmm.

i am really, really tired. i also have a rather long adjustment time, so short rotations are not particularly good for me.

the faculty ball was held last weekend, and there were a few comments on how we can see the finish line, we're almost there, it's been a long haul, etc etc. but it didn't really feel that way to me. i was too busy analysing the assessments i'd just done, cataloging all the things i'd forgotten to say, and thinking about the assessments to come.

it feels like i have been doing this for way too long. stop the world, please, i would really like a break.

dominion and deceit

Romans 7:21-24 (NIV)
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.
For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;
but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

We find the solution in chapter 8 :)

some final shots...

...because I just can't help myself.

{sunrise at 0600 hours}

{leaving work early one day}

{the view from my driveway every morning}

it's good to be back, but also quite exhausting. i guess i haven't quite adjusted back to the fast-paced life of the city ;)

Last week in the country!

In one week, I'll be on a bus bound for home. I can't wait. As lovely as it is being surrounded by the ocean, I cannot explain the compelling force I feel every morning as I drive to my tutorials and see the TransWA busses at the terminal.

Yesterday was a bit of a housewife day for me- grocery shopping, cooking, baking, dishwashing, ironing. I have learnt that being a housewife requires a lot of frontal lobe processing. Really, there is an awful lot of executive planning going on- and if not, then there is an awful lot of food wastage. Fortunately, it has been a stepwise learning process from my elective experience, and I am managing to cope reasonably well.

{rice for dinner}

{cake for dessert}

I also had about 2 minutes' worth of fishing before my hook and sinker broke off and that was the end of it. I was quite upset and I imagine I must have had a very dark expression on my face, but I was slightly cheered by the friendly country folk who said things like, "you look very professional, did you catch anything?" and "did you leave any fish for me?". It's a nice change from "welcome to Australia", and "you speak beautiful English".

The folk here are very friendly. And the nurses are wonderful. I know I've already said this, but I am definitely going to miss having the beach at my doorstep- nice, quiet, small, and absolutely lovely. It has that special quality of your local kopitiam- knowing that your house is just a stone's throw away.

Of course there's always the flipside; not being able to ring a friend and ask them to come over and hang out. It's something that I hardly ever do, but it's nice to have the option. Either way, that's one thing I'll miss- the comfort of proximity.

Verse of the day- 2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. (KJV)

the empty house

people keep asking me how i'm finding it down here. the short answer is, i really like it. it is very beautiful and peaceful. i have never ever considered myself a beach person, but i can already see how i will miss it when it is time for me to leave.

i guess the only real downside is the fact that i'm here alone. it is a shame to be surrounded by beauty and have nobody to enjoy it with. having said that though, i've really been blessed with good company. i now understand why people throw 'housewarming' parties- it really does make a difference living in a house full of warm memories.

here are some photos i took when j was in town:

{observatory point}

{twilight cove}

the learning here is pretty good too. there are regular (good) tutorials, and lots of hands on experience. i spent all day today consulting patients, with the gp standing in the corner. i usually put in very long hours, but today i actually managed to get a proper lunch break and leave by 5pm! i ended up taking a walk along the jetty, and look who i saw:

{sammy the sealion!}

i eventually turned around to walk back because the sun was setting:

just as i was nearing the end, one of the ladies urgently asked me to turn around, so i did...


we took our cameras out and snapped for a few minutes, but my photos do no justice to reality. eventually i simply stood and watched as the large, ethereal moon floated over the distant archipelago.

rural!

Hello from rural Australia! I'm going to be living in the country for the next four weeks as part of my rural rotation.

It's been surprisingly good (and busy!) so far. My parents drove down behind the bus (not directly) to settle me in, so I've been trying to spend as much time with them as possible. This involves trying to surreptitiously not be present at the practice.

Unfortunately, today TWO GPs requested my phone number. I knew this day could not be avoided indefinitely.

{me & my parents at a rather overrated little beach}

Most people are very friendly here. I spent the day with my allocated GP today. He is a most eccentric character, and I very much like him. Examples:
- he tries to sneak up from behind me when I call to ask where he is
- he takes me on home visits in his land rover, and when I point out rather primly that this is barbaric and I am inappropriately dressed in stockings and a pencil skirt, he pats a handle and says "there's the monkey bar, go on, up you go"
- he has a dingo (who followed us for the home visit)
- he answers his phone with "batman speaking", often followed by "I'm in the batmobile"
- he teaches, and also lets me get my hands dirty (PR and curette today, with the promise of future proctoscopy)

So... that's it in brief. I haven't really returned home yet so I'm not sure how I'll feel about having a big, empty home all to myself. More on that later, perhaps.

regression

my earliest memory of truancy would be when i was in kindergarten. my parents were pretty lenient with us and if i was sound asleep, they wouldn't wake me to go to school. so one time, i feigned sleep for the entire week. on monday of the following week, my mother decided to call my bluff and insisted i go to school.

this morning, i lay in bed imagining myself 24 hours ahead of time. i imagined arriving in the evening, being cold, and having nothing to eat and no form of entertainment. suddenly, being in a beautiful, isolated town, and studying free from the distractions of the city seemed a lot less appealing than i had formerly imagined. i started recalling how lonely/bored i was in the evenings in the UK, which is much more densely populated than where i'm heading.

at this point, mum burst into the room. *flashback to seventeen years ago*
mum: "Olivia! still haven't wake up ah?"
i opened my eyes.
mum: "Oh I see, you're pretending to sleep only."
me: "I'm enjoying my blanket. And my queen sized bed. I'm going to miss my bed."
mum started laughing. "See la! You always so gung ho. Then last minute chicken out."

so, so true. although to be fair, i never really backed out re: Austria, which was probably my most challenging trip, and undertaken when i was relatively young. i did end up having season two of the OC to save me. and E3.50 tickets to see performances at the vienna opera house. that is really quite unbeatable. i don't think there will be anything like that where i'm heading.

3 embarrassing moments

1. reverse-curbing when trying to reverse out of my driveway this morning. i flinched, but recovered in time to see the man waiting at the bus stop laughing at me.

2. shouting "louboutins!" when my professor was trying to retell an anecdote, and paused to ask what brand had shoes with the red soles.

3. spotting one of my previous consultants as we were walking through a park, and cheerfully calling out "hello, Dr P!" when i saw him trying to avert his gaze.

i bet it sounded like all three moments were going to apply to me. in actual fact, point number three negates one of my earlier embarrassing moments, meaning that i only have a net embarrassment of one moment today.

BL online

last week, i was pretty amused to find my mother surfing bettina liano's online store while we were waiting for candice so we could leave the house.

i can probably count the number of times i have ordered things online (excluding tickets) on one hand. however, candice has been going ebay crazy, and little parcels are arriving every second day from hongkong. i can only assume that that was the trigger for mum and i to decide to place an order from the BL website. (FYI the claremont store closed down, so we can only order in from the Eastern states now). fingers crossed everything will fit properly! and fingers crossed it will arrive within the week so that i can experience some parcel joy before heading off for my rural placement.

in other news, i finished* my rotation on friday! i decided to celebrate by allowing myself to read the rogue, which has been sitting on my bookshelf for the past month or so. now that i think about it, it seems very uncharacteristic of me not to have gone shopping. i'm probably just realising my financial situation and impending poverty.

happy sunday, everybody! xx

*unfortunately, i still have assessments and reports to write up. so the party has to end soon. blehh.

pause.

sometimes i get a bit carried away, making new demands once each safety point is checked.

as if taking time to reflect means everything would cease to function.

living in single-minded rapid fire for perhaps at the end of the day, some kind of meagre, miserly satisfaction.

..

today i just felt an overwhelming need to pause, to take a brief moment to say thank you.

from my hiding place

so. no word about this rotation at all, because it has been giving me unreasonable amounts of anxiety. don't ask me what's so awful about it- i wouldn't be able to tell you. although i do recognise this as entirely irrational, i can't quite escape its grip. so i am just going to clench my teeth and endure the ride.

on the plus side, i'm more than halfway through, and there is only a fortnight left. i already feel much happier from that thought.

also, we've found out where we are going for our next placements. apparently i am going to the only region i listed under "DO NOT SEND ME HERE". but i'm surprisingly happy about it. probably because it means this rotation will be over. gah.

yours sincerely,

holding on xx

dependent

had a really horrible day today. great forces were all at work to annoy me, with both people and animals as their pawns. counting only the number of ways in which animals have harrassed me today:

- sherbie, despite having undergone an overnight fast, managed to poop mid-flight during his morning release, when i was already running late for uni.
- could not figure out which keys went to which of osky/mei/peanut's homes. so ended up trying keys in front of both neighbours' houses and managing to look like the neighborhood burglar.
- osky didn't want to eat his dinner. while i was standing there, puzzling over how to solve this issue, he casually walked over and pooped right in front of me.
- mei scratched and hissed kaixing.

okay technically in the last example kx was harassed, not me, but all dog owners find it distressing when their dog is cowering between their knees. particularly when it's in response to a rescued kitten.

having said that, kaixing gazing at me with her squeaky ball between her jaws is priceless. maybe i'm biased, but then maybe dogs really are man's best friend.

commemoration

back to school again, for my final semester of university. the past two weeks have been a whirlwind of fun, excitement, good food, and sleep deprivation.

as suddenly as it all began, i found myself sitting in the mary lockett LT this morning, listening to my lecturer as he said "it's the beginning of the end". something about 130 days until we graduate. he repeated it quite a lot, in fact. 130 days, 130 days, 130 days...

oh yes. and we also got our job offers today, and i did get my preference. and strangely enough i am also going to spend the rest of my rotations this year in the same hospital, ie >50% of this year in one hospital! pretty crazy, given that i hardly ever got my first preferences in the previous two years.

umm.. and actually i don't have much to say. i have a week of lectures before starting my next rotation. seems like fun! i'm looking forward to it. we're doing plastering tomorrow morning :)

oh and i'm also excited about catching up with some of my friends whom i didn't see over the entire two week winter break. yaaaaaaayy!! can't wait!

Latest addition to the family

Everybody, a belated meet Herbert-Sherbet/Rory-Lori/Troll:

{hello, humans!}

The latest addition to our family :). S/he is a rainbow Lorikeet Kaixing rescued from four crows. When dad opened the door to our garden, Kaixing rushed out and chased the crows away. She started sniffing the Lorikeet and followed him as he ran around our entire garden because he could not fly.

You may have noticed that he has no tail feathers- they have been dispersed all over our lawn. Crows are such bullies! We think that they may have been responsible for Maggie's untimely disappearance.

{it took me a few minutes to realise what dad was holding}

Dad put it back in the tree where its parents were, but it wasn't moving very much. So we tried feeding it.

We tried raw minced beef (kaixing's favourite), but it wouldn't eat. We were about to try seeds (maggie's favourite), but some friends told us that Lorikeets eat sweet things. It's true. S/he took honey from my finger until we could purchase some Lorikeet feed from the shop.

{kaixing trying to meet and greet}

Kaixing is completely smitten by the bird. When we let it around the house, it will usually run to some corner and sit there. Then Kaixing will lie down beside it and stare, fascinated.

For some reason, S/he seems to be perpetually occupied with defecating. We've had quite a lot of collateral damage in the form of mum's jeans, and my Leavers' jumper.

I think this will be my last post for a little while. I'll be flying over east tomorrow night. Yay! :D

last day of term

today was the last day of my current rotation. i really love that end-of-term feel, it's a bit sad but i probably enjoy it more than actually being on holidays.

whenever people give me weird looks, i always explain that it's the fun of learning (and being surrounded by friends), without the pressure of exams and achieving.

in school we used to do all sorts of random topics so that it always a little bit quirky. today, there were lots of fun twists:
1. consultant greeted me in the morning with a gift
2. getting quizzed in the biochemistry meeting
3. random clinical thinking lecture in the afternoon

to celebrate, i spent half an hour sitting in the sunshine and reading my new book :)

adam & eve

Genesis 2: 7-9 (NIV)

v7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realised they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

v8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

v9 But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

pink spectacles and pikachu

I have decided that giving my number to my registrar/resident was not such a good idea after all. I had to do it because my consultant is very keen on listening to me present. Consequently this week I have been called numerous times to ask if I'm "around the hospital", once when I was in fact at home, and the other time JUST as I was trying to leave the hospital. Given thursdays are my only opportunity for a half day, I think working from 8-3pm ought to count as a reasonable amount of hours. But no.

So even though I have completed all of my assessments, I am still finding myself at hospital from 8-5pm every day. But I am relieved/relaxed enough to amuse myself, such as when i saw this (excuse my dodgy phone camera and attempt at maintaining confidentiality):

{a pikachu-themed stethoscope!!! i want!}

My team was bent over in concentration over a medication chart, and I had long given up on trying to guess at their thoughts. That was when I spotted the stethoscope, remembered that my phone has a built in camera (in all its 2 megapixel glory), and then had to embarrassedly look away when my phone made an extremely loud capturing noise.

The day that I snuck out of clinic, I went to Broadway to pick out some new spectacles. They are pink (!), and very nerdy looking. My childhood self would have been ecstatic. When I went home to tell my brother about my new purchase, he said "hmm they look a little bit geeky, but they're nice!"
To which my response was, "HuH? I've had this pair since year 10" (I was wearing a majorly old pair of spectacles).
Mum knowingly said "he's a guy, they never notice this kind of thing." LOL. How wise, mother.

bad habits

it's that time of year again- nearly halfway through when i find myself struggling to remember my new year's resolutions. i was relieved to recall i didn't make any this year :P.

of my two boyfriend projects, guitar and i are not working out at all, but jogging and i are doing quite well (yes i'm two-timing).

i have also begun to notice some bad habits creeping into my daily routine, such as:
1. not helping out enough with the household chores
2. not reading bible regularly enough
3. spending way too much time at claremont quarter
4. developing chai latte addiction (courtesy of previous team's coffee break practice..)

speaking of bad habits, there's one that always gets a mention at hospital- not washing hands! thanks to Dr Semmelweis, we now realise the importance of good hand hygiene. while i was doing bad habit #3, i discovered this hand sanitizer. i don't know what its pathogen zapping qualities are, i am quite sure stocking the hospital wards with this would improve hand washing by miles ;). well, at least among the female staff. would probably be detrimental to male hand washing practices, now that i think about it.

wait a minute mr postman

there was a bundle of unopened letters on the table the other day, bound by an elastic band. i rifled through them in a sudden breath of nostalgia, as if a letter from one of my pen pals would be delivered through space and time.

whenever i was expecting something in the post- be it letters, shopping, offers of acceptance, i would listen to Please Mr. Postman to try and ease my excitement.

i did end up getting a letter. it was from my superannuation company. blehh.

Verse of the week* - Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (TNIV)

*this is one of my favourites, so you could probably also call it verse of the decade!

good morning monday

the birth of a new week
the welcome relief of
pulse
respiratory rate
tempbloodpressuresats
of people with bigger problems
and who desperately
need
a bigger God

"and till i see you face to face and grace amazing takes me home
i'll trust in you" - Till I see you, Hillsong United

derm clinic

today i found out that I still have steady hands on zero sleep, but no concentration whatsoever.

i was in a group dermatology tutorial when we were asked whom amongst us wished to be a dermatologist.
answer: nobody.
so the tutor said "alright then, who's interested in surgery?". mine was the only hand raised. after this, i was booted to the surgical clinic to assist in excising skin cancers for the rest of the morning.
and although this meant i didn't have the opportunity to see all sorts of interesting inflammatory and systemic skin conditions (like the other students presumably would've), i suppose it was still a valuable learning opportunity because skin cancers are incredibly prevalent in australia.

this rotation has been totally hectic. it's a combination of long rounds, (unnecessary coffee breaks), plenty of ward jobs, and no interns on the team. this week i spent on average ten hours/day doing university or hospital-related activities. when i get home, i am totally exhausted. it's quite amazing, actually. i am still really enjoying it, but also very much looking forward to the coming weekend...

random tutorial blooper #1
me: okay guys, so what goes in and out of the Na/K pump?
group: *silence*
me: alright i mean obviously it's Na and K...
*random girl in group bursts out laughing*

random tutorial blooper #2
me: would anyone like to come up and draw the motor neuron --> skeletal muscle pathways?
group: *silence*
me: your reward will be fame and glory
random guy: uh, our other tutors bring us lollies

childhood stories

one day, the sun and wind decided to have a competition.

they both agreed that whoever could make the man remove his coat would be the winner.

the wind tried first.

he blew as hard as he could, but no matter how hard he blew, the man only clutched on more tightly to his coat.

then it was the sun's turn.

he just smiled at the man. even though the man ignored him, the sun just kept on shining.

"phew, it's getting warm in here," the man thought.

and took off his coat.

TGIS!

I couldn't log onto blogger yesterday, so here's a TGIS picture post instead:

{oscar in our garden}

above, oscar takes one small step towards world domination. and below, my very pleasant discovery this morning: "Quilton loves your bum". LOL. libra odd spots, anyone?

{toilet paper, if you didn't realise}

week 1 of gen med

all weekend long i was eagerly anticipating starting on a new rotation with a (hopefully) eccentric consultant.

olivia's criteria for eccentricity (male version)
- interesting eyewear (eyewear- but not particularly interesting)
- briefcase (check)
- suit (yes; with added holes for character)
- long/white/curly/steel-grey hair (nope)
- frequent use of intensively curious expression (check!!!)
- european accent (nope- disappointingly, not even a british accent)
- strong opinion on obscure topics (check)

total of 4.5 points = high likelihood of eccentricity

i'm very disappointed about the presentable haircut, but i can't really complain. furthermore when he heard someone making a cynical comment, he didn't laugh along with everybody but very heroically corrected her and emphasised the importance of never losing empathy in our profession.

needless to say, i'm just a little bit star-struck.

also, i noticed today that i am definitely regarded as part of the team. even though all i really say is "i'll check with X and get back to you". i am not really sure when that change began, but it's the start of an irreversible movement towards graduation. NO! i've only put in fifteen or so cannulae this year! job applications? what?? somebody slow the passing of time, please.

meanwhile, happy international nurses' day! thank you for the free chocolate cake and chai latte :)

chicken soup is good for the soul

i finished reading Spurgeon's All Of Grace between my lab classes yesterday. around a year ago, i was convinced that what i was lacking in my spiritual life was grace. not that i didn't already have it, but i wanted the conviction of grace. as i was explaining to E, i didn't want to just sing Amazing Grace during church, i wanted a personal understanding of it. i wanted to experience what John Newton must have felt when he penned that famous hymn.

eventally, i became convinced that if only i read this book (an online copy is available here, by the way), i could be levelling up spiritually ;). of course, it's pretty silly to try and contain God in a formula, and by the time i actually managed to obtain a copy, i was well aware that God does not, in fact, need a book to remind me of how sinful i am. i read the book anyway.

i'm in between rotations at the moment, and it is pretty evident just how productive i can be as long as studying is not on the cards. between 0800 to 1030, i went for a run, showered, convinced my brother to replace my lightbulbs (2 out of 3 had blown!) and fix my laptop, prepared lunch/dinner, and did the dishes.

this morning, mum assigned me to unsupervised cooking duty, which i was absolutely thrilled about. learning how to cook with my mum is a bit like learning how to do practical procedures in hospital. you have to watch it done 100x before you actually get to do anything. well, she had no choice today, so as she left the house, she insisted that all of the cooking was done outside, so that at least the house remained clean.

i was meant to cook chicken macaroni, which is pretty easy- in theory. However, mum told me to fry the garlic first because it takes forever to cook. that was the start of my troubles. by the time i had finished frying, nearly everything was dark brown/black. when it came to filling the pot with water and putting the chicken in, there were all these black bits floating around the top. i'm pretty sure burnt anything would make the soup bitter, so i got a sieve and fished everything out. which left... just the chicken, and water.

i suppose theoretically, that should still make soup?

{lunch!}

O is for Obedience

when i was growing up, one of the common activities we would have to do in school was to turn our name into an acrostic.

i would always say that the O in my name was for Obedience.

as i grew older, it became a lot less cool to be Obedient. i remember in my very first PBL tutorial, i decided that the O was going to represent an Orsome Olympic Orange. i was pretty much happy to mention anything other than obedience.

there is a song i remember singing as a child. it goes like this:

trust and obey
for there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus
but to trust and obey

and now, i'm approaching full circle as i rediscover the worth of obedience.

UTI land

today, i was diligently attempting to complete an operation worksheet. by diligently, i meant i was trying to do it properly- assess the patient beforehand, take their history, scrub in for their operation. this is how it went:

nurse: can you put his catheter in?
me: uh. yes, but i think i'll probably end up contaminating it
nurse: okay then never mind, i don't have time to teach you right now

i proceed to ask my registrar if i should start scrubbing up

registrar: have you put a catheter in before?
me: yes
registrar: okay can you put his in?
(cannot say no to registrar, right???)
me *turning to nurse*: errr hi, i guess i am putting this catheter in after all

what then followed was a bit of a zoo, where i had the nurse, anaesthetist, surgical registrar, and scrub nurse all trying to tell me how to put a catheter in. and apparently everybody had their own preferences.

but then there was one unifying point- apparently, i was not picking up the patient's genitalia firmly enough. i was holding it gently and attempting to thread the catheter through, and then there was a flurry of comments about how i needed to be more assertive. the patient was already asleep by this point, thankfully, because then somebody said that i should pick it up like i would when ------. i was like, huhhhh?? so some kind soul said but she's a virgin!, which the others promptly attempted to clarify with how would you know? she didn't say if she was or not.

i finally decided to announce my presence by saying 'i'm not married'. this prompted a second flurry of comments which is too crude for repetition.

the surgery went on for way longer than i expected. by the time i got out, it was getting dark. also very cold and rainy. but when i checked my phone, there was a message from mum offering to pick me up from the hospital. she seriously is the best.

allied health

I feel like I ought to mention some of what happened last night, since I alluded to it in a previous post. Candice and I went to a KTV place for pre-drinks. There, I was peer-pressured into having my very first shot (vodka, in case you're wondering) by a bunch of 2nd year students. How sad. A couple of minutes later, my face and ears were so warm that I had to refuse a second round of shots in case I gave myself something like an etOH-induced version of malignant hyperpyrexia.

We made it to the club at 11pm. At this point I should mention that over the past couple of days, I've been listening to one of the pre-released mixtapes so that I would know some of the songs being played at the event. The DJ who released that tape was playing from 10-11pm, and seeing as we had not yet arrived by this time, my entire study was pointless. My sister assures me that these are songs that I ought to know, but I am sure that the next time I enter a club, there will be a whole new bunch of noisy songs to learn.

I guess it was fun. We made it home by 0330hrs.

I spent the majority of today drifting in and out of sleep. It was a very warm, typical lazy Sunday... except not a Sunday. For the past couple of years I've spent good Friday driving up North for Easter camp. And although I'm not going this year, it doesn't take away from the incredible love that Jesus demonstrated in being obedient to death by crucifixion.

Song of the day: Worthy is the Lamb
Book of the day: He chose the nails, by Max Lucado

blue swimmer crabs

there was a spectacular sunrise this morning.

i wish i had taken a photo of it, but as usual, i was in too much of a hurry to be on my way before the sun's rays can freckle my already much-too-freckled skin.

the river was unusually calm; it was one of those rare mornings when you just know for sure that you are going to see dolphins.

so i looked and i looked, for all of 90 minutes, and of course no matter how desperate i was, i couldn't see any. i am sure they were close by, though- i heard their characteristic gentle blowing.

what i did see were blue swimmer crabs. i've never seen them in this part of the river before, but they were abundant. tess went into the water and tried to befriend one, but it zoomed off. those creatures are really fast! you really don't get to appreciate their speed and quirky swimming when they are bound and crowded into a fish tank.

i kept looking, my heart and eyes turned to the river on my right. on my left were the two dogs, one of them harassing me to throw a tennis ball. i did. the ball ruffled the shirt of a passing runner. he turned back to look at me. i sheepishly called out an apology. he raised a hand in acknowledgment and continued running.

when i went home, i told mum all about how i wanted to see some dolphins this morning but instead just saw two wet, sandy dogs and a whole lot of blue swimmer crabs. she then said she'd never seen them here before, and how she wished she'd joined me on my walk this morning.

i wonder if there's a lesson to be learnt in that.

happy palm sunday, everyone xx

old but new dresses :)

university is going well, the chaos of the last two weeks is over and i am settling into a nice routine and getting on top of all my assessments.

i'm definitely just an average student, though. i was presenting an old case to two registrars yesterday, when one of them stopped me and asked me a question. while i was frantically casting my thoughts into oblivion, the other registrar smoothly described what had happened, and the rationale behind it. needless to say, i was pretty shocked.

"you are presenting a patient on the X team", she said. "i'm on team X. if you present a patient from that team, of course i will know the case".

(mind you, this case was from weeks ago, and i was having difficulty recalling it when i only really had to know TWO cases this well, compared to something like two hundred. plus she was not on the team when the patient was in hospital).

"at that time i was away on leave but i still know the patient".

oh okay then. no wait, excuse me? what did she do, come in and read all the patient files during her leave? and am i suppose to develop superhuman memory between now and graduating?

on another note, candice and i both decided to go to an event next week. we've never actually been clubbing together before (i've gone a few times with my brother), outside of big family parties. so this morning we started pulling out dresses and modelling them in front of mum.

it was really fun! as usual, we kind of got carried away and just started pulling out one dress after the other. i didn't see my siblings very much over the summer break, so we didn't get to show-and-tell our shopping purchases like we usually do.

and in the whole process, i discovered even more dresses that i've never worn before. yay! it's the thrill of buying a new dress, without the price tag.

unfortunately, during the modelling process, mum made me drink 1.5 cups of freshly blended juice. when i protested, she said "diarrhoea! then your stomach flat". when i tried explaining that it's not good to lose weight by inducing diarrhoea, she countered with "this is how people detox. they flush out their intestines".

how could i argue with that? she was describing home-made picoprep.

energy!

reflecting on the academic year so far, i can see my motivation levels plummeting...

week 1: 6 day week
week 2: 5 day week
week 3: 4.5 day week
week 4: 3.5 day week

oh dear. but from week 4, i have discovered the therapeutic effect of taking friday morning off . ie even better than taking friday afternoon off. i think i am human again. to celebrate, monday shall be free cannula insertion day :D

random funny conversation i came across while checking my msn message log for an address for tonight:

2/26/2010		2:59:51 PM		J says				S: mmm sigh im so lazy i just want to sleep all afternoon J says: notemaker wont be pleased!!!!!!!!!!! S says: she's malfunctional! so whatever
2/26/2010		6:39:15 PM		O says				! S's really gonna get it from me now :P

(I asked S to take notes for me while I was overseas ^_^)

goodbye, summer

according to the weather forecast, we are going to be experiencing a sudden drop to autumnal temperatures on thursday. finally. but yesterday i found myself sitting in the sun during all of my breaks. could it be, that when we are finally about to get the cold weather i've been dreaming of, i've learnt to appreciate the sun's warmth?

yesterday i had another navigational adventure. it involved me catching public transport (ha!) to a hospital i haven't been to in years. so once i got off the train, i identified the top three most doctor-y looking men, and proceeded to stalk them. they promptly brisk-walked off in three different directions. ugh. so i ran after one of them and called out "excuse me! hi, do you know where X hospital is?" he was going there himself, so i followed him. the end :)

anaesthetic life!

my latest source of amusement is a magazine called anaesthetic life. it's like women's weekly with a medical spin. it covers topics like: do doctors make poor conversationalists? and there's a surgical life also.

anaesthetics is fun. i haven't learnt as much as i did during my previous option unit, but i've been doing quite a bit of practical stuff. today i was happily chilling in the corner, when the anaesthetist turned to me and said "so your job is to put the drip into the patient".

i know i said that my goal for the year is to put in as many drips as i can, but i was envisioning a less stressful situation than before theatre, with surgeons, nurses, technicians, all waiting and the cost/minute of running a theatre continuing along without any consideration for others at all. so i happily informed him that "uh, well you see, my drip success rate isn't really..."

he bought it. and proceeded to demonstrate "ideal textbook cannulation method". i actually regretted not having a go myself, because when the patient came in i saw that his veins were enormous. typical!

then we decided we could bag-mask ventilate patient one for the entire duration of their procedure (it was a quick procedure). halfway through, my muscles started aching like mad, and i confided in the anaesthetist that i was feeling some major lactic acidosis in my muscles. he volunteered to take over, but i heroically said that i would continue, unless it interfered with my ability to maintain a good seal on the face mask.

so there i was, crouched uncomfortably over the patient, muscles aching, watching the surgeons as they critically evaluated their work. time stretched to infinity. when the surgeon randomly paused and looked up at me, i thought of my pain and how ridiculous the situation was and started giggling like mad. "just some lactic acidosis", the anaesthetist said, by way of explanation. i laughed even harder. the surgeon asked me if i'd snuck myself some laughing gas.

oh, and i also got accused of being a homewrecker. by my supposedly sedated patient, no less! turns out he was less sedated than i had realised, and listening with great interest while i was being harassed by the surgeon. but i forgive him, since he generously allowed me to bring my drip count up to two :)

the sending (update)

So it looks like the sending will be published this year. Of course, the release date was postponed, so I have returned all my lovely bright orange-spined books to their place on my bookshelf. To be resurrected during my rural posting, perhaps?

Fleshing out all threads and the promise of another book, how exciting! Isobelle Carmody really is a faithful author, and for that I am faithful to her writing, haha.

Meanwhile, uni is really tiring me. A combination of long hours, inconvenient transport, and dodgy timetabling. So far, the successful cannula count is -wait for it- ONE. But everybody needs to start somewhere, okay, so don't ask me what percentage hit rate that is.

This afternoon, I will be going to the second installment of a series on biblical manhood, womanhood, and courtship. It's really starting to feel like I am over-intellectualising, or being over-educated on the matter.

And yet, still there is nothing of that elusive beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4).

what's your goal in life?

this evening, a friend and i were having a conversation over nothing in particular. feeling slightly bored, i decided to throw in a question to make things interesting- as you do. the question i asked was: what's your goal in life?

he was quite taken aback. as was i, when i realised that i didn't really have an answer. how could this be? i reached into all the things that hold up declarations from my past.
- my decision in yr 12 to live the rest of my life filled with passion and compassion.
- a quotation by Erma Bombeck, "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."
- another decision made at the start of university to be obedient to God's calling for my life.

these are ways of living, yes, but i guess they are not true goals? somehow 2 Timothy 4:7 comes to mind: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (NIV)

is it... to be happy? (no.) to have the highest GPA? (no.) to be rich? (no!) to be the best surgeon in the world? (err... no.)

so i wonder, how important is it to have a goal? and does it make any difference between living and existing...?

home/zoo update:
this evening i caved. i was waiting for my family to finish eating dinner so that i could wash up, and asked if there was anything i could do in the mean while. there was- maggie needed to be fed. so i grudgingly got out the mount barker chicken and proceeded to lay bite-sized pieces at his feet. and as for dad, he has decided that maggie is a real loser amongst the birds of our suburb, based on maggie's particularly bad hairstyle. am i alone in finding my parents' personification of a magpie somewhat bizarre?

also, somebody please tell my addled brain to stop spiking cortisol at 4am in the morning. i am not quite sure what the significance of 4am is- midnight in England? morning in Melbourne? is it too much to ask for more than 4.5 hours' worth of sleep/night?

random memory of the day:
walking to clinic with my team this morning, when one of the doctors suddenly pushed me off the path and yelled "shortcut!"

embracing 2011

today is the last day of my summer holidays. which, by the way, extended two weeks into autumn. it has been a very well-paced break, and i am a little sad that it will be over so soon.

tomorrow i start on my my surgery/anaesthesia term, two of my favourite specialities. of course i am excited, but they will be a repeat of terms that i have previously completed. in other words, i would really have loved to be placed on a neurosurgical team instead!

going back a little, 2011 came very suddenly upon us. i was at changi golf club celebrating on new year's eve with my family, when i suddenly realised "oh crap. haven't made a new year's resolution". of course if you make one up on the spot, it is very difficult to remember/keep, so there is no resolution this year.

however, i do have a couple of "boyfriend projects" for the year: jogging and guitar. the term originated in fourth year when i realised that i had a lot of spare time, but nobody to spend it with. my closest friends in university were all in exclusive, time-consuming relationships. i decided that i may as well invest in some hobbies/projects the time that i would otherwise have spent with my boyfriend had i been in a relationship myself. hence the term boyfriend project. at that time i started running a lot also, and playing musical instruments.

in a few months my cohort will be writing job applications. i am thinking about applying to a hospital which is very close to my home. the only problem is that i have not actually been on any real placements in this hospital, so i don't have a good feel for what the hospital is like. it's something i shall have to pray about/think on over the next few months.

it's a pretty scary thought that we are now the seniors of the clinical students. i feel most undeserving, but i suspect that this sentiment will drive self-study in the year ahead. oh, and i am still not good enough at inserting cannulas. i shall make it my personal goal to put in as many as i can this year.

to tame a magpie

hello!

i'm blogging from my beloved laptop, newly fixed by dad. he left me a hilarious note:

Olivia, whoa........what type of font are you using? Anyway, message is the hard drive has been changed to a 500Gig Hitachi, same size and speed as before.
Managed to transfer everything just as before. I've only added a programme called cutepdf writer so that i could convert my roster to pdf format and send to mum.
I don't hear any click click sound from the computer even in the quietude of my room in LAX.
You owe me SGD66,
For being entertained by your computer for the last few days, I'm willing to pay SGD66.
Enjoy, dad

meanwhile, i returned from my travels to find that my mother has adopted yet another animal- this time, a magpie. it's been rather unfortunately (and unimaginatively) named maggie, which is also one of my cousins' nickname.

at first i thought it was just a bit of a joke, but this magpie (i refuse to call it 'maggie') actually waits in the same spot every day. and of course my mother feeds it 5-star mince beef, just as she feeds kaixing 5-star mince beef, and salmon to the (neighbour's) cat. our garden is turning into a zoo.

{taming of the magpie*}

we also have fish, by the way.

*okay, okay, no more lame lit references in this post.

Tadaima! :)

It's good to be back. To file away my anxiety (from being away) along with my possessions. I've been back nearly a week now, just settling back into life in Australia. The weather's been horrid (consistently >35C), which makes me feel very lethargic. So I've been napping an awful lot. That too is nice.

So what have I been up to these past three months? The bulk of it (nine weeks) have been spent on my electives, both undertaken in very scenic locations. I spent quite a lot of time admiring sunrise, waves rolling, leaves falling, sunset, during both electives, so I decided to share a photo from each.

{Palawan, The Philippines}

Theme song: For you alone

{Cambridge, UK}

Theme Song: In Christ Alone

Romans 1:20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse (NIV)

weeks 8+ of elective

i've been working in accident & emergency and critical care. when i tell people, they ask why i chose this elective. why not in a bigger city? why not in south africa, where trauma is rampant? why not america, where people turn guns on each other?

well, in my five-and-a-half weeks here, i have seen plenty of trauma. plenty of resuscitation and surgery. of lives ruined and lives lost. true, the causes are different, but it is trauma nonetheless.

usually i can just switch the emotion off, i can scrub in and assist without any qualms, read blood gases with academic interest instead of horror. but today suddenly it's all too much.

why the waste? what remnants of life will these people return to? for them, especially those who are younger, what is living about now? when you are unable to walk, can barely feed yourself, or have lost those closest to you?

they don't cry for themselves. i wonder if they can.

exploring the surrounding areas

i've only really been talking about my little excursions, so this is turning into a bit of a weekend blog. but i assure you i am still on my elective, and going to hospital monday-friday. just that there's no reason to discuss anything about my daily living because you're all already on my elective email list (if not, shoot me an email and i'll add you).

today kiran and i hired some bicycles and cycled to a nearly village? suburb? called grantchester. we went to the orchard, which supposedly has some amazing scones. i thought they were alright. what excited me was that virginia woolf used to go there for tea, as did maynard keynes and a whole bunch of other famous people who were prominent figures in my high school education.

{sign from the Grantchester Meadows entrance}

We then hopped onto a train bound for Ely, and walked around the town. It was, as promised, quite lovely. And the cathedral was amazing. I think definitely one of my favourites so far. This is kind of cliche, but I also really like Notre Dame.

{Ely cathedral}

We went home and killed some time, then I tried out Zubeida's carbonara recipe. She bought the ingredients and was planning on teaching me, but we never got around to it, and the ingredients were reaching their due date. So before she left for the weekend, she verbally talked me through it. Of course, I got all of the instructions muddled up, and got all the quantities wrong. Kiran has been very encouraging, and tells me it tasted fine, but was lacking in salt. I thought it was bland, too. Then I realised that I'd forgotten to add cheese. Whoops.

{The final product}

Ruth 2

Praise God that He is a God of "it just so happens.." There have been too many coincidences, and truly in all situations God works for the good of those who love Him. Thank you, God.

Weekend in London

The last time I was in London, I wasn't a very good tourist. All I saw was Harrods (though quite extensively), the outside of Buckingham palace, and the Engineering department of Imperial College.

This time, Jing set out to rectify the situation.

{The tea selection at Fortnum and Mason}

It was kind of cool because you could smell the tea before deciding which one to buy. Jing swears by the tea so I bought some.

{The British Museum}

{London Eye and the Thames}

{Me standing cheekily next to some calvary dude outside a museum}

{A cool self-juicer at Borough markets}

I'm on night shift again tonight. So J and I had a little wander around the city centre. And went into the university library (!!!). They still have some of my information from 2005. Gosh.

first weekend in the UK

I spent the weekend visiting Cambridge and Oxford. Having walked around Cambridge already, I will still struck by how magnificent the buildings in Oxford are.

{The chapel of King's college in Cambridge. Described by Wordsworth as "this immense and glorious work of fine intelligence!"}

We also walked around Clare college, because it happened to be open to visitors that day.

{The view from Clare bridge}

In Oxford, I visited Christ Church college, where parts of the Harry Potter movies were filmed.

{The dining hall of Christ Church}

{An oblique view of Christ Church from the meadows}

In between my sightseeing, I also managed to try my hand at cooking. Mind you, I don't mean any of this English overcooked vegetables/ extremely dry roast nonsense.

{My attempt at fried rice}

arriving in the UK

a couple of months ago, it dawned upon me that going to the UK for six weeks would be something of a challenge because i'd have to cook for myself for that whole time. but towards the end of last year, my concerns shifted towards how i was going to actually arrive at my destination.

the first part was smooth enough: get on the right plane, make it through immigration and customs, find the national express coach, get on the right bus, get off at the right stop. the next bits were slightly more challenging: wait for a taxi at a deserted stand on a cold night, wheel luggage bags through the hospital's revolving doors, and wheel said 35+kg of luggage around the hospital site trying to find desired block of flats. i met a co-elective student (also from Australia!! hooray), and quite gladly let him lead the way. i had enough difficulty trying to wheel my bags through the unforgiving sidewalks. i think one of my wheels is quite damaged already.

when we arrived at the apartment, we saw that the other elective students had arrived already. and were informed that the kettles were not working (instant noodle plan foiled), and that the shower was not working either. and also that we should knock on random people's door asking to use their shower. at this stage i'd been traveling for close to 20 hours, so not showering was not really an option. i knocked.

later, feeling tired but clean in J's room, i had my first brilliant idea. why don't we check that the iron is working, i said. because if it isn't, we can get them to fix it when they come to change the kettle. so i got out the iron and turned it on. looked around for something to iron. could not locate anything, so decided to iron the carpet. and promptly smelt something dodgy...but don't worry, i hadn't started a fire or anything. when i placed my hand on the carpet, it was warm (= iron working), but also hard (= melted carpet).